Part of me wants to apologize for my last post (since recanted). Then there's another part of me who's all "whatever." Guess I know which side won.
I mean, I do do that. Often. But it doesn't mean I think all Mormons are Morons.
Not all of them.
To be fair, I think a lot of people are morons. Just some more than others. Especially a group of people who yap about humility and then get all up in my grille all "i'm so sad for you," "i can't talk to you anymore," "you should be in church" "oh i just got called to be super-duper-relief-society-president, but i don't know how! i mean, i'm so humble!" "non-members are good people, but they could be better with teh gospel!"
But what bothers me is that if a few of my "IRL" friends read that last post, they'd be hurt. It was funny but it was seemingly pointed and kind of anti. I guess. I don't want to hurt them, but dammit.
I'm going through a bit of a cycle at the moment. I'd explain but I'm not all that sure I'm comfortable doing that yet. Suffice it to say my emotions aren't where I'd like them to be. For the past two months I've been this fairly happy, take-over-the-world person and now I'm feeling overwhelmed, behind--depressed. For nothing. Well, there are reasons, but still. Not very good ones. Maybe it'll go away after this weekend. Doubt it, but maybe. I've got an arsenal I'm working on to make it go away.
This week kind of sucks. Just too much shit.
Maybe that tells you all you need to know. But it's worse than that. I just don't want to get all attention-whorish on you. Besides, I might talk about it later. I do feel it has something (not everything) to do with my loyalty during my time in the clink.
See? There I go again. Kinda like how much I laughed the first time I heard someone refer to the "crutch." I keep wanting to do that. Not because I think the church is a crutch (well...) but because it was funny. But I don't want to chase people away (hi, annalee). I don't know why that is. I mean, fuck. I warned you people in the beginning. I honest-to-god didn't care in the beginning. And now I do.
I guess I still wonder if my ex-roomie reads this. She has the proper paper-trail, but I don't know if she'd even give my last blog a look after a year of inactivity, yanno? So I don't know. She stuck with me through all of that, I suppose she still would. I'm just a bit more brazen here. A bit. Not as much as I want to be. And though I know now she knows, we barely talk about it. She respects me, and I shut up around her. Except for the time I--gasp--wore shorts above the knee (i know!) and a tank in her presence. Like, it showed my shoulders. And her husband was around.
The jokes, they make themselves. But they're kind of bitchy, especially considering how awesome she has been. So I need to be a nice girl. But I'm fucking tired of always being on my guard to be the nice girl. May as well stick that stick up my ass for reals.
Eric thought I should go totally anonymous on my new blog. I wanted to and I didn't want to. First, I didn't want to go through the bullshit that I would've had to go through just to create a new profile. I have one on wordpress and here and it's just annoying to fix.
Secondly, trust me, there's a lot I would say if I were faceless, just for cathartic's sake (?), but I don't like talking shit about the church and about religion anonymously. I'm not afraid of the church, just the people I love deciding I'm no longer a "good influence" for whatever reason.
Lookit the power the church still has over me. It has the power to take away the few friends I have left.
So in a protest I poke fun. And then, sometimes (rarely) I feel bad about it. Even though I started this thing all "y'all, you're gonna be offended if you're a member."
I worry too goddamn much.