I have so many ideas for blog posts. I think of writing them down but I don't and end up forgetting. Then something else grabs my attention elsewhere and inspires me.
It's a bit hard on this side of the fence. Eric says it's because we're the ones who broke the rules.
After reading this blog post, I think that's kinda the case with anyone who feels the need to be polite.
Who broke the rules?
I broke the rules when I joined the church, especially coming from a WASPy family. My mom and stepdad, the parents I lived with most, never went to church. They tried the First Baptist church, but eventually my mom decided it wasn't for her and the pastor suggested my stepdad follow suit. He later told me he regretted following that advice. At least once after we stopped going there we tried another church, just once or twice, but that was it.
Didn't mean my mama wasn't vehemently against the LDS church. She didn't know much about it, but she grew up in an Assembly of God church and still believed in God and knew, just knew, the LDS church was a horrible place. Sex on the temple altar. You know. Chickens and multiple wives. Godmakers kinda stuff.
I'm loathe to call it "horrible" for some reason, but you know. Depends on the day and the moment. Not like it was all bad. Or is. Like I've said before: generally like/love the people, hate the institution and what it does to those good people.
But either way, mama hated it. My dad and stepmom hated it just as much, but their hatred was a quiet hatred. I was going to hell.
And it wasn't that big of a deal for me. Yes I was breaking the rulez but goddammit, it was about time I did. I figured I still believed in Christ, so what the crap is their problem?
This time it's a little different. I'm grown up. I have kids. I love the family who I'm "spiritually" breaking away from--like, I admire them. I wanted to be like them for a long, long time. I want my kids to be like them (aside from the LDS thing).
I mean, I like these people. I don't want to lose anyone (else). One of them, Eric's sister, used to be my best friend. I want her back, but I don't know if that's possible to the extent I both want and need anymore.
Also, this break is more extreme. When I became LDS I still believed in Christ, even though others said it wasn't the same one. This time I'm saying I don't know God exists and I just don't think about Christ enough to bother with him. That's a biting quite a bit off. That's not being saved.
I still don't get why someone saying "I don't believe in God" even if it is conditioned with a "necessarily" is so scary to people. I mean, there are times when I'm going through a more theist moment while discussing religion with a very atheist Eric and I get really scared.
I don't get it. It's stupid, really, but it's real.
So I get pissed off a lot when I have friends on facebook or in person go all Mormon or zealous Christian on me and post/say crap that just rubs me the wrong way. It's not that they say the stuff that makes me mad, it's the fact that I don't feel I have a place to express my views that are so contrary to theirs.
It's political, too. I have liberal friends on facebook, but they don't live here. Everyone who lives here is conservative and even tea baggerish. They say stuff like "The white male is the most discriminated person in the country right now." (hi, i was chomping my lip off to stay quiet and nice. sooo not the time to be profane and generally out of control like i am when caught off guard like that. what the fuck? for REALS)
Or when they post shit about that stupid doctor's stupid note to the White House about the patient with the gold tooth and nice cell phone with a (gasp!) RINGTONE who was on Medicare, I want to fucking SCREAM.
Much as I wanted to write my own little note or reply or something, I couldn't. At least not right away, because they would be hurt that I would dare challenge their views. I need to give it some time, I feel. I don't want to hurt them.
stupidstupid. I can't help but feel that is stupidstupid.
Because I need to be the nice girl. Always the nice girl.
I'm no longer Christian or conservative.
I broke the rules.
I have to sit back and listen to people say things and I have to smile and nod and allow them their opinion while my opinion has to remain tucked safely in the back of my mouth because god forbid I say anything that doesn't comply with their views. Stuff like "maybe the doctor saved the guy's life and not the priesthood blessing. Let's give a little credit, shall we?"
(Besides, I'm not against believing that a god could inspire the doctor and blahblahblah. Not yet. Still haven't given up completely. Most days. Still rationalizing.)
Or even "hey, have you considered this possibility--maybe the cell phone was a gift, and for god's sake, ringtones cost, like, three bucks a year. Maybe the guy was recently laid off. Maybe he deserves something nice because he works two jobs at minimum wage to support his family because he wasn't given the opportunities you were given. Maybe he just deserves health care despite his fucking gold tooth."
I need to be an example, even though the very idea makes me shiver inside. I need to prove to them that one can be virtually godless and liberal and still have a conscience. I don't want to feel that way, but I do.
I want to keep them in my life. I want their approval.
And I broke the rules.
Besides, can you imagine the conversation that would follow "hey let's give a bit of credit to the doc"? I already know how it would go, and I just don't have the energy for it, y'all. Pointless.
So I censor myself even though I've never much been a fan of it. You know. At all. Makes me feel slimy.
But y'know, friends before idealisms. Especially around here.
I wish I knew where I fit in that equation (me before friends and friends before idealisms?) and that I could find the courage to express it. It's just that I'm alone enough and don't need to isolate myself further. I'd like to think I don't need anyone, but I do. We all do.