The REAL Thirteen Articles of Faith

1. We believe Joseph Smith is the most awesome prophet ever, and we believe in today's prophet (except when he's "speaking as a man"), and in that other guy, Jesus Christ.

2. We believe that men should be judged, punished and forgiven after a minimum of one year.

3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved once they remove their egregious earrings.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Prophet; second, Repentance when you don't exhibit faith in the Prophet; third, Doing everything the Prophet says so you can have the Holy Ghost; fourth, excommunication when you still don't want to do what the Prophet hath said.

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, to lead, teach, or hand out programs at the beginning of Sacrament meeting.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, bureaucracy, patriarchy, and hierarchy.

7. We believe in Church approved prophecy, revelation, visions and healing.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is serves our purposes; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the better word of God, and that the Doctrine and Covenants and the Ensign are the best words of God.

9. We believe all that God has revealed unless the current Prophet says otherwise and we refuse to admit that He will eventually reveal things in accordance with the dictates of society so nobody can call us "racists," "bigots" or "sexist" anymore.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and that, as adoptees, we will be part of the restoration of the Ten Tribes (those of "dark skin" since 1978); that the "New Jerusalem" will be built in Independence, Missouri; that we are to influence government like we think Christ will do one day; and, that we don't have to worry about "global warming" because the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the leaders of the Church, and allow all men the same privilege by offering them free things and/or convincing them we're totes cool, then sending boys to their door to harass them until they agree to baptism.

12. We believe we must be subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, and obey, honor, and sustain the law. We also believe in being kinda sneaky about it.

13. We believe we are honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and do good to all men; indeed, if we do anything that can be construed as virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we post them on our official website and/or various Church-owned news outlets.