Our Capacity for Truth

You'll notice that while I dig my soapbox, I've never gotten up on the "I have the truth and you don't and I love the truth and only seek out the truth" one. Mostly because while I believe strongly in certain things and will stand firm, I also feel strongly that I know nothing.

I also have certain things I very subtly and unconsciously desperately attempt to avoid.

Example: I don't talk about Christ much, and when I do, I talk about him in a way that doesn't recognize him as a divine character, fictional or real, a prophet, good man, whatever. I like the philosophies he embodies as a whatever, but that's where it ends. I don't necessarily equate the philosophy with the alleged philosopher.

I don't get this.

I'm afraid to make any certain conclusions about god, yes, but moreso about Christ. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've never ever recognized him as God as my father does--even from childhood I never "got" the Trinity thing. And maybe it's that and also because I've been taught from day one that he's the dude that's gonna save me, and there's a part of me, that part of me that refuses to declare any truth, that wants to play on the safe side.

However, as a person who has "sought truth" both in joining and leaving the LDS church, I haven't looked for evidences against Christ. You won't see any evidence of me looking through the internet or books or speaking with many people about why they believe Christ is either not the son of god or simply never existed.

...except for once or twice regarding the Jewish perspective, but I assure you, my mind goes on half-power if it doesn't turn off completely. I was scared then because "it is only through Christ that you can be saved" but I don't know why I am scared now.

I think I'm reaching a point of comfort where I'll soon be able to walk into that scary closet and figure things out for myself. I just don't get what's so fucking scary about god or christ being fictional things. The Invention of Lying movie says it's a matter of comfort, and dammit. I want my blankie.

I am also still at the point where I know some incredibly smart people who have searched and scoured and still believe. There is that capacity--I just don't know if it's for truth or self-delusion/preservation because it is too scary to not believe.

I don't want to judge my critically thinking, compassionate believer friends because they believe. I don't ever want to. But I'm afraid I will if I find too much evidence to the contrary.

I don't entirely understand what it is to have strong friendships where there are strong disagreements with fundamental things. I've one friend right now who lives down the street. She is LDS but has a mouth on her. She's anti-social too. She's hilarious, and she's very compassionate about my disbelief and what it means to leave. But we both understand that we cannot discuss abortion or gay rights. Two very hot topics. This can be hard, because I feel strongly about both and feel largely silenced. She can go to church on a weekly basis or call up a friend and bitch.

But it's a maturity thing. I had to ask myself, and I'm sure she did too, if it was enough to not be friends. So far, it's not. I do hate those awkward moments, though.

I also know everyone has their limits. It may not be spiritual/religious limit for accepting or finding truth, but also political. I shut off my mind at times, and I've learned that's a HUGE red flag either that I am wrong, could be wrong, or simply don't understand enough. And I'm not always willing to check it out.

It may be an unwillingness to acknowledge a truth about a loved one. Eric has a family member who recently came out. He brings his boyfriend home and they play footsies in front of everyone but his grandmother insists on saying things like "aren't they nice friends?"

Or an unwillingness to admit a spouse is being unfaithful. Or abusive.

Or that a relationship/marriage might be in trouble.

That your son or daughter is dangerously into drugs or otherwise in trouble.

A refusal to fully admit to the truth of the entirety of your sexuality.

That a friend isn't really a good friend.

That something might piss you off but if it were the other way around, you'd totally act that way.

Etc.

It goes on and on, and so I feel really uncomfortable ever talking about my capacity for accepting truth when in reality, I'm just as bad--if not worse. Just in different areas.