Reflections

This blog is too "bleh." It needs a few somethings. But alas, I am currently quite lazy. Except for last night. There was probably something really lame I needed to do or ignore, so I messed around with looking up some headers and playing with my rather outdated Paint Shop Pro to see what I could do.

It's nothing to laud, I can assure you that.

So.

Lately I've been going through a bunch of emotions. We visited my MIL last night because, hi, last-minute, we had back to school night for my preschooler. Which is weird, because it's state preschool, but whatever. Seemed the biggest thing was to tell us to GTFU of the staff parking lot.

Anyway, MIL. Have I mentioned that I pretty much scored in the in-law department? I know I bitch on here about Mormon culture, but it didn't necessarily come from them (I knew them before I knew my husband). While I love my FIL, he's having a bit of a hard time with our inactivity and lets us know about every time we visit. MIL, however, hasn't flinched. Like, at all. I'm not itching to bring up the subject, but seriously: nothing has changed. She finally noticed my piercing yesterday and was like "oh! i hadn't seen that before. did it hurt?"

She, like my SIL/ex-bestie, was really nice about it but hardly "oooh that's SO COOL." It's okay with me. I'll take it. Better than the alternative. I'd be fine if they just ignored it completely.

Anyway, she doesn't testify to us. There's sufficient church-speak to be sure, but she isn't preaching like Eric's father tends to (once he actually told us "you should be in church."). And when I'm in her house and it's just us and she's talking about her new seminary teacher calling, it's fine. I have no problem with it.

I get a little irritated, just a smidge, when SIL talks about her callings and church but mostly because she just doesn't seem happy. All that obligation bullshit, and she's just trying so hard. And I want to shake her out of it. Sometimes it seems like she's talking to herself rather than to me, you know?

I say that not knowing her nearly as well as I used to, but knowing her as long as I have that's my observation. Eric shares it.

Anyway, after events like that I find I'm tired of talking church. Churchchurchchurch. It's the #1 reason I quit my last blog. It didn't deserve my energy nor did I care to give into its attention-whorisms.

But as many of you know, the Church has a tendency to find you. So I'm back. And it's not just church, it's religion. It's Christianity. It's the fact that my father--as great of a man that he is, and even a bit liberal I might add--is incredibly into his holy-roller church and semi-routinely sends me anti-Muslim emails under the guise of comedy. I'm about ready to send him an email to ask him to quit the shit. I'll accept his religious propaganda, but not the anti-Muslim ones. It's not right, and to be quite honest I'm surprised he can't see that. Based on our last conversation, he should know it's wrong. It's the Christian in him that gets in the way.

I mean, WTF?

And I wish I could talk about other subjects, but I find I largely can't. The truth is I don't have many interests. I have things I'm interested in being interested in, but that's where it ends. I have been online since I was fourteen. I love to write. I want to love to read--and I do--but I'm not like many of my friends. I go through phases. I read three books in one month this past summer, which may not seem like a lot to some (and may seem like too many to others), but for a mama of three with issues, it was a feat. The series was amazing, too, so I must give it credit there.

But still, I can't even bring myself to read Mockingjay. Mockingjay! I mean, what the hell is wrong with me?

I tried starting a YA/reading/writing blog, but as soon as church crept up on me again, I was re-lit and couldn't focus on the YA thing anymore. It surprised me to hear Eric applauding my return to the religious stuff. I write a post on the other blog periodically, but my heart just isn't into it. I've been writing stories and poetry since I was six, but I've been in such an epic RUT lately I've just given up.

I've been a SAHM for eight years. For the first, ooooh, five or six years I gave up on every other interest. Because that's what righteous women do. Interests can be bad. Devilish influences. Unless church approved, of course. And I'm extremely anti-social, though I want to not be. Just a little.

I am still interested in genealogy. Just not enough to do it. Mostly because I don't want my information hacked and my family members baptised in the church. Mostly on principle. Keep yr paws off my great-great-grandfather. Let the man rest.

So my heart is here, blogging. Where it's easy. But also because I did need some comfort, and where I was seeking it came up rather empty sometimes. Really, only post/ex-mormons can understand this stuff. And really, many times the experience of disaffection and leaving has to be fairly recent. If it's been 15 years since you left and you were a teen when you left, it's not as big of a deal now, you know?

I wish this wasn't a big deal. But it is. Then again, a lot of things are a big deal for me. At first, at least.

Though I do go through periods at which I cringe at taking on any "-Mormon" title. It's a little hard for me to even classify myself as Mormon-anything sometimes. I just don't want to tell people. It automatically makes for a(n) awkward moment(s). But at the same time, with the right community, it's an instant bond. Which is why I may attend a post-mormon gathering in San Francisco next month. It'd be a good chance to meet some people and get the hell out of dodge. It's only a matter of finances at this point.

I try to ignore the Mormon thing--the title, the church itself--but it comes back. Dunno why. Probably because it's my family and they lurve to talk about it. Like, constantly. Probably because the majority of my friends on facebook are LDS or Christian. Prop-fucking-8. Because it took up such a large chunk of my life--at least now it equals up to a 1/3 of my life. And religion/believing in god takes up 100% of my life. Either is a lot. Then, maybe it's also because we have so many fracking churches here, and not a one is at all progressive. If I had to guess, I'd say the United Methodists were the most. Y'know, with their women preachers and all.

Even then, though, I just don't want to talk about Jeeeezus and definitely not about how much I suck and how fucking awesome god is. Or to have to see the look on people's faces when I confess I don't believe in god, necessarily. Here it's acceptable to be inactive Christian waaaay before it's acceptable to be atheist--but I'm under the impression that that's pretty much the case in most places.

I need an outlet, damn it.

It's an uncontrollable need to talk about it. But when there's nobody to talk to, what do you do?

You blog and hope to the flying spaghetti monster people connect and want to talk back.

So thank you, those of you who comment. Really.