Thursday, September 9, 2010

Stupid Mormon Phrases

I should be studying.

I also feel I should add that I am (or was) just as guilty of using these words and phrases and mean no personal or individual insult (unless you're a GA or a general asshole).

Just sayin--people don't generally know what they're saying or that what they're saying is absolutely empty of meaning. It's called "parroting."

Also, some of these phrases can be attributed to Christianity or other religions at large. See: lust.

"Our Savior, even Jesus Christ."

As opposed to someone else? I don't understand this need to say "even."

"People who like to sound really pious, even the leadership of the church."

"For time and all eternity."

Really? For all eternity? Besides, why can't y'all just say "forever"?

"People who leave the church or become inactive do so because they've been offended."

Yeah, pretty much. But let's not automatically assume it's because Sister Smith hurt my feelings.

Seriously, if it were the people I would've left years ago.

"You can choose to not be offended."

True, true. Just like you can "choose" to not be offended by profanity, immodesty, things you find "inappropriate," people who desecrate your garments and give out super-sekrits, etc.

"I'm not a bigot
. I have a gay friend!"

I understand you may not realize it, but yes you are and no you don't.

"We love those who are Same Sex Attracted."

You just think they're icky, immoral and unworthy of the same kind of socially-condoned happiness you have with your spouse. Tough love, baby! Tough love!

"Lust is a sin."

I am so sorry for your spouse. Sex must really suck.

"I'm totes not comparing gay marriage to these things, but it'd be like saying people naturally inclined to pedophilia should just go have sex with kids."

Obvs. And btw, thanks for the disclaimer. Without it I would've thought you were comparing the two. Phew.

"We believe in free-agency!"

If you count putting a gun to someone's head and telling them "you can do what i say or else," then yeah. I suppose you do preach "free-agency."

"We don't practice polygamy."

Eh, you kinda do. You're just super sneaky about it now. Viva loopholes!

"This church is too hard for some people." (ie: inactive/post/jack/non/ex-members)

No, it's just too stupid for some people. Or insulting. But hey, keep martyring it up huh? And if and when you do decide to leave, make sure to return and report on how fucking easy it is.

"We have over 13 million members!"

If you count the people who no longer believe, attend, are too afraid to resign, can't resign, etc. Sure. 13. Hey, you know, whatever makes you look better.

"I know the Book of Mormon is true."

I know the Book of Mormon isn't.

"We're living in the last days."

Christ's original apostles thought so, too.

"We teach that men and women are equal."

Again, this word does not mean what you think it means. Neither does "feminism." Or "autonomy/individualism" for that matter, but I digress.

"We should not seek to have women descend to the level of men" (and its variations)

First, if you have to tell women (and yourselves) how awesome they are SO OFTEN then one has to begin to think something is very, very wrong.

Who are you trying to convince?

"Joseph Smith was a young, unlearned boy. He couldn't have possibly written the Book of Mormon as complex as it is in the time he did."

Actually I think this is one of the more compelling evidences against the church, but keep telling yourself this. It does sound good.

"God's plan is one of happiness."

Care to tell me what that plan is, because I must've missed that memo. Or at least got the wrong one.

"I don't know where I'd be without the church/faith in God/Jesus Christ."

You'd be fine. I promise. It's a hell of an adjustment for some, but seriously. The world turns, you're still a good person, and if God really exists and loves you, you'll be fine.

"I can't afford to not pay tithing."

It's amazing what you can afford when you don't pay tithing if you're not an idiot about your spending. Besides, you could take that money to actually help the poor rather than build more church buildings.

"We believe families can be together forever!"

A lot of people do.

"We do not worship Joseph Smith."

Not sayin' you do (really), buuut:

Praise to the man who communed with Jehovah, Jesus anointed that prophet and seeeeeer...


(Trying to find video, pictures or transcripts from his 200th birthday celebration but I'm coming up short--people, that was one hell of a tribute for a dude you don't really worship, yeah?)

He also tends to be mentioned a bit more often than Jesus in talks, and if not more often then he is often placed alongside Jesus. It just gives off the wrong vibe, dudes.

"We do not believe the Prophet is infallible."

Except for when he is.

"Mormons are Christians!!!!!!"

Already knowing the prescribed answer to these questions, I insist on asking: Who cares? Why is this attribution so important to you?

"The Church is the same everywhere you go!"

It's not. Some wards are more extreme or laid back than others. Some bishops are chill, some are unbelievably and unnecessarily strict, others are dismissive assholes. But the general layout of the meetings, sure. This isn't, however, to suggest other churches are all willy-nilly about their meetings or that it fucking matters.

"If you can't feel the Spirit, it's probably you."

This transfer of blame from the church to the individual is rampant and just another way of saying "nonono, we're perfect. you're not."

"Endure to the end."

Don't you often mean "suffer to the end"? Awesome.

"Leave room for the Spirit!"

No thanks. He's kinda like an annoying parent this way--get the fuck out of my sex life, for instance. And goddamn it, let me dance flush with my guy. If the Spirit doesn't like it, the Spirit can leave.

"We must not do anything that offends the Spirit."

Can't he "choose" to not be offended?

"We encourage our investigators and our members to seek out and verify the truths of what they're being told."

But if you come to a different conclusion than what has been said by the prophet-almighty, then yr doin it wrong.

"The Book of Mormon is the most correct book on Earth!"

Then quit fucking with it!

"It's sacred, not secret."

At least admit it's both (though I tend to believe anymore that "sacred" means you know it's weird and don't want to be made fun of)

"I know (s)he left the church, but I know (s)he has a testimony."

Yes, a testimony that it's all a bunch of crap.

If you haven't, see also: Like Nails on a Chalkboard

Anyone else?


  1. You just keep knocking 'em out of the park with these posts, Lisa...all of these phrases I can HEAR in my brain still, being chirped by various shadowy figures from my LDS past.

    The polygamy one really irks me. On some--weird, twisted--level I have more respect for the fundamentalist types in Arizona who LITERALLY practice what they preach. I'm sick of Mormons trying to talk it down or cover it up, when they all know that polygamy is gonna be alive and well in the celestial kingdom!

  2. "We should not seek to have women descend to the level of men."


    "If you can't feel the Spirit, it's probably you."

    I've heard this from fundamentalist Protestants as well. No matter how diligently you pray, tithe, and read the Bible, if you're still not feeling anything, well, you must not love God enough. Baloney.

    "We encourage our investigators and our members to seek out and verify the truths of what they're being told."

    :: snorts ::

    I've heard this from fundamentalist Protestants too. If you seek out truth and reach a different conclusion than they have, you're either closed-minded or actively resisting the truth of Jebus.

    Amazing, how much Mormonism and fundamentalist Protestant denominations have in common!

  3. My MIL has tried to pull that "the Church is hard" card. "But you can't just give up!" Yeah, right. Nothing is easier than falling in line. Leaving was so much harder than staying.

  4. Love these! OK here are a few more.

    "Today's youth are the CHOSEN generation that will usher in the millennium."
    Or, We're trying to make you obey by both guilting and scaring the shit out of you.
    (I talked to a 90 year old exmo once who said he heard that when he was a kid. lol)

    "We must learn to distinguish when the prophet is speaking as a man, and when he is speaking as a prophet."
    Or, when He says something insanely idiotic that turns out to be glaringly false, He was speaking as a man. When He sort of makes sense ... well, you get it.

    "If you're offended at church it's your fault."
    Or -- gee, I'm not sure there is an "or" to this one, it's already as obnoxious as it can get.

  5. Oh, another (least) favorite, when someone dies young: "He was just too good for this world - he just needed a body so he could get to the CK." GAG.

  6. The last one is especially infuriating. Not only did my parents use that on me when I left, but 6 months later, two of my uncles posted anonymous comments on my blog telling me that they knew that I "knew" that I was sinning, and they knew that I "knew" that the church was true, and that I was just doing what was easy and felt good (because coming out as gay and resigning from an extreme cult, I mean church you were raised in is so bloody easy).

    That last one is an especially douchey way to tell someone that you know better than them what they think and who they are. It still makes me mad.

  7. @Diana: *blush*

    @Ahab: I know

    @Donna: Nooo joke. I did have some of those in the list already, though, just in a slightly different form. Not the chosen generation one, though.

    I'm thinking the "generation" in "chosen generation" and "last days" is kinda like how some people explain away the whole "created in a day" thing--a day to us is a thousand years to god (?) Same with generation?

    Either way *rolls eyes*

    @Chandelle and Craig: God, I'm *always* saying how much EASIER it would be to stay than it is leaving. Dunno why I didn't add that into the post. Might go fix that now.

  8. Simply brilliant. Where were you during all those motherfucking mind-numbing F&T meetings? Eh?

  9. I LOVED this post...mostly your comments on the special words. This is one of those I wish I had written.

  10. Ahahahaha, my favourite - "can't the Spirit CHOOSE not to be offended" !!!