Saturday, November 20, 2010

20 Signs We Were Never Gonna Make It

1) We were always on time. Repeat: always on time.

2) Eric was never interested in hunting, fishing, et. al.

3) Eric was never interested in, as TAMN so aptly describes, law/business/dental/medical school. Teaching, psssh. That's for the weird girls we put up with who, y'know, wanna work instead of fulfill their divine roll.

4) Neither one of us enjoyed "every member a missionary" and always, always cringed at those goddamn push--er, pass-along cards.

5) I knew better than to show my parents "Together Forever" like my missionaries wanted me to. Also knew they were full of shit when they told me that the BoM was true because a prophecy made in 1 Nephi was fulfilled in 3 Nephi. In short, I did this thing called thinking. Just not enough of it, apparently.

6) One word: Questions

7) We were both pretty aware when we sounded ridiculous and moreso aware that, uhm, shouldn't that tell us something?

8) I always enjoyed more the company of members with a sketchy past than those who were always CTRing.

9) Two words: Loud laughter. In both sacred and sacred-ish places. I'll have to post on that later.

10) I had to reach deep down to ever say "I know the church is 'true'"--if I ever did at all. Same goes for Eric.

11) Eric regretfully realized on his mission that the church is more about numbers than it is about saving souls.

12) When we first began dating, a mere two months after he returned home, he was totally against us reading the scriptures together due to the cheese factor.

13) I hated Sundays.

14) Never really believed the Book of Mormon peoples to be real, historical people. Not like I believed the Biblical characters to be real, historical people. I wonder if many converts do.

15) We're not into campy shit. The Church lurves its campy shit. (this doesn't mean we don't still like some of the church's productions--"Mahana you ugly" is sometimes thrown around. That movie was so terrible.) Other examples: road shows, family Christmas programs, etc. Eric says this should also include stuff done at camp.

16) While one could attribute this to mere ignorance of propriety, I said no (gasp!) the first time I was ever asked, as Primary Secretary, to substitute for a Sunday School class. In my defense, it made no sense to ask me to teach kids anything as green as I was and it was about as last-minute as one could get. I had to say no a few times and couldn't figure out why the woman asking was so weird and insistent about it.

17) When Eric and I almost fucked up (literally! ha!) the Christmas before we were married, we weren't so worried about the "sin" but having to tell people we did it and having the news spread to family and friends and looking bad. It wasn't about offending God. It was about the lunacy of having to confess shit to people who shouldn't be any part of it.

18) Didn't appreciate being treated and spoken to like a child during the first year of my membership and while seriously investigating. Why I put up with it at all is beyond me.

19) I always felt stupid relating to others the story of Joseph Smith and always faltered at it. The story itself seemed stupid.

20) Eric and I both had zero interest in finding and fellowshipping inactives. Eric often came home after home teaching to tell me he informed his families exactly what they needed to do to get the Church off their backs as requested. I preferred to not bug those who obviously wanted to be left alone. It was a matter of respect for the both of us.

There are more I'm sure. What're yours?


  1. Never really believed the Book of Mormon peoples to be real, historical people. Not like I believed the Biblical characters to be real, historical people.

    Actually, there's essentially zero historical evidence for most Biblical characters. There's no evidence the Jews were ever captive in Egypt. No evidence of Moses, Abraham or David. Zip (and, believe me, people have been looking).

  2. When I was in 12th grade, my history teacher told me to "stop being such a feminist".

    At the time I was worried, because aren't feminists all lesbians and babykillers and stuff?

  3. MoHo: Yeah, I get that now and recognize that my belief in Biblical characters is a result of a lifetime of...learning, for lack of a better word. Just what I was taught to "know." I realize that this belief is the same for BIC Mormons--they would figure it was true because that's what they've always been taught to know.

    The Bible isn't exactly something I see as historical anymore, so.

    I just figured that as a convert with a "testimony" i ought to at least pretend a belief in it, but I never could bring myself to "see" a real Nephi, Jacob, Mormon, etc. Just a bunch of annoying stories.

    Diana: Yeah. My mom once said something about not understanding my feminist leanings when I was about fifteen, and it totally took me off guard. Her tone matched other experiences I'd had regarding how feminist = bad, which I struggle with still to this day. And, to boot, my shrinking away from my mom's pejorative use of the word had nothing to do with religion--at least not that i'm aware of.

  4. Your list sounds just like mine...minus the sex thing. If Jake and I had had sex before we were married, I was worried about what god and my family and friends would think. Ugh. The whole thing makes me crazy. And pass along cards were lame...but I was all over writing your testimony in a cheap BoM to pass out. Gag.

  5. I should also add that this list makes me feel better about how Molly I could be and how incredibly indoctrinated I was. I had some hope.

    Foxy: Yeah, actually I was into the testimony thing too--but I would never actually hand it out to anyone in person. I left that up to someone else. As far as the sex thing goes, I was worried about what other people would think, at least as far as his family went and our friends and fellow church members. Oh the gossip for something that was nobody else's effing business.

    Makes me crazy too.

  6. When I told my mother I thought that courtships should be looonngg, marriage should be based on a solid friendship (that develops long before marriage) and an equal partnership. She shook her head and looked at me like I was from another planet and called me a women's libber.

    When my dad was trying to explain how women are the root of all sin and thereby (he thought) justify the superior male patriarchal role and I, thinking he was joking, teased, "You're a chauvinist." Without an eye blink or a smile he said, "Yes. Yes I am." So is God, you know.

  7. 6) One word: Questions
    I was foolish about this. I always believed that when they said "your testimony should be your own, and you should ask the questions you need to reaffirm it" that they mean it. Oh the answers I used to get to the questions I would ask...Maybe if Joseph Smith had been there to answer them for me instead, I'd still be active ;-)

    My family in general doesn't fall into about 3/4 of what you have listed above, they're all still active. But I suspect it's why my dad used to tell me "I'm not the kind of person they call to be bishop"

  8. Awesome post. I share several items listed on that list. I always hated sharing the Joseph Smith story even when I believed it I knew how far fetched it sounded.

    On the mission the recital of the First Vision was always interrupted. One of my comps used to say it was because Satan was telling the phone to ring, the baby to cry or someone to knock at the door at that moment to interupt this all important message... In my mind I thought, "God is answering my prayers... I don't want to recite the First Vision... I hate sounding like a crazy person..."

  9. I love this post especially #1... me too. Always on time. Here's a couple more of mine:

    1. At BYU, in drama, I was never able to be cast in a play as someone's relative because I didn't look like anyone else. I only got the weird sidekick roles.

    2. Everyone was always shocked to learn I was LDS...even at BYU. No joke. I was pretty True Blue Mormon (I thought) but people always assumed I was one of the few NoMos at the Y.

    2. Hated Home Teaching. Hated doing it and hated being home taught. A pointless, time-consuming exercise in pretend friendship.

    3. Didn't like living in places that were too Mormon...UT, AZ, ID 'cause weird things always went down when you got a majority, or even a significant minority of Mormons together.

    4. When I was able to fake a spiritual witness and then have a leader praise me for it at the MTC... I knew it was all fake right then.

    5. When on my mission we never wanted to take investigators to F&T meeting because it just always got too weird and uncomfortable.

    6. When my then-wife literally freaked out and went ballistic at the TV when we watched that PBS "Mormons" special about 5 years ago.

    7. I thought the whole "sealed together" thing would be awesome to know after someone died. Then my Mom died and it just seemed trite and stupid...that only Mormons have forever families because of a handshake? Please...

    8. That crying had almost no effect on me but actually made me even more suspicious of a person's intent.

    9. Looking at a bunch of men at Stake Priesthood Meeting as I was playing the prelude and thinking, "Why am I spending all my free time with these people? There's not one person there admire or want to be friends with."