Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Just in time for Christmas.

I'm cat sitting for my MIL this week and decided during my last check-in with him to peruse through their deseret catalog for giggles. Ugh.

Didja know how AWESOME Tom Monson is? If not, someone wrote all about it. Snore. These biographies are probably the worst ever. Tell me Tommy smoked a joint at the age of 16 and I might reconsider my stance, though chances are he told on some kid for smoking and called him to repentance or some bullshit like that. SEW PURE AND RITECHOUS he was made bishop at 22!

Did you know that? because I think everyone on the fucking planet knows that by now. Maybe Tom hasn't had enough praise for such an amazing accomplishment. Let's all pat him on the head until he feels sufficiently acknowledged.

Not fair? Maybe. I just don't understand why this is such a big thing. Who in their right mind wants to be bishop at 22? Y'all, I don't know of many men that age in the church who've finished school at this point.

But what is school, yeah?

Then there's a book out there called "The Time Starved Family"

As a mother of seven children, DeAnne Flynn has experienced firsthand the challenge of staying balanced in a world where jam-packed calendars have taken a huge toll on family time. The sixteen practical ideas in this book will help families break out of the hectic, overscheduled, underconnected way of life that has become the norm for both parents and children. Her sensible and realistic approach will help relieve anxiety, encourage self-reliance in kids, and restore order and simplicity to daily family life. Isn’t it time to refocus your energy on the best choices for your family?

DeAnne, if I may call you that, I could've written a pass-along card on this shizz. Sixteen practical ideas to save time and use what you have more wisely? I have just one:

Get yo ass out the church. 


How would you play with your figure set? Perhaps the missionaries, starved of human affection...well. When there's no Barbie, Ken will do. I've yet to find a man who doesn't look super hot in a suit. 

Unfortunately, I can't find any sister missionary action figures. Lame.

Then there's this beauty: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life

Yeah, pretty much. Although I'd change this title to "Ask some questions, change your life." Change Your Questions sounds pretty tricksy to me, like another strategy missionaries would use.

Wait. They already do.

Investigator: "I asked God if the Book of Mammon Mormon was true, but I didn't get an answer."

Missionary: "Did you ask right?"

Investigator: "Huh?"

But seriously, some examples from the book:

  • What is on my premortal list of “Things to Do While on Earth?” (Uhm...?)
  • What is the one question I most need to have answered from the scriptures today? (Horses in ancient America, fer realz?)
  • How can I be more of my true self at the end of this experience? (GTFO, that's how)
  • Whose agenda is this supporting? (duh, the liberal/gay agenda)

The Messiah Series.

I actually like these sorts of books. I'm interested in scholarly insights into the life of Christ, and these books look respectable and "thorough" enough for LDS standards (I did enjoy Jesus the Christ--one of few times I didn't feel spoken down to)--but then I saw the author. Bruce R. McConkie.

LDS interpretations of Christ's life are bad enough, but dudes.

Then there are all these books and whatnot about how awesome women are--I'll say it again: If you find yourselves having to convince the women of your church that they are teh awesome, something is wrong.

And to end along the same fucked up vein as my last point: I want to cry when I see a copy of "Emma Smith: My Story"

Because it's not her story. It's just not.


  1. Ok, I got to "pre-mortal list of things to do on earth" and laughed so hard the students in my library asked what I was looking at (they assumed lolcats or somesuch).

    I am trying to think what would be on my list.

    1. Get laaaaaaaiiiiiid, maaaaaaan! (*scribbles furtively, hoping God isn't nearby*)

    Also, I misread "Tom Monson" as "Toni Morrison" and was like, Right on!

    My favorite memories of Desert Book revolve around the Tennis Shoes books. I think I got to "Warriors of Cumorah" before I ditched the Morg. I wonder what the spawn of Jim Hawkins are up to these days...

  2. Missionary action figures?!!! Just wait, next there'll be the series -- missionary wizards, or vampire missionaries. (All approved through the correlation committee, of course.)

  3. As if the woman didn't feel used and violated enough while she was alive, now we have to revise history to say Emma was sooooooo in lurve with him and he was sooooooo amazing, just to take advantage of people's emotions?? Sick, dude.

    But this is about the same thing as the catalog I get from EWTN once in a while. Meh.

  4. I've thought about writing HER story... just saying. It might be interesting.

  5. "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life"

    That actually worked pretty well for me.

    Because the first two questions I changed to were "What do the church's prophets and apostles ever say that any other elderly conservative white guy wouldn't say?" and "What do they ever say that only God could have told them?" (Answers: nothing and nothing.)

    And the third and fourth questions I changed to were "What would the world look like if the church isn't true after all?" and "What would it look like if there is no God?" (Answers: it would look exactly like the world we live in.)

    Changing my questions really did change my life.

  6. I was trying to recall the questions I did change that changed my life but couldn't, so thank you kuri :)

    I suppose one of my initial ones were "Why would God call for polygamy" and that changed to "Why would God demand so much unhappiness of his daughters?"

    Both questions, i find, have the same answer: he wouldn't.