Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Oh how far we've come.

About 18 months ago, I took a quiz: What Kind of Mormon Are You?

I got this result:


Sunstone Mormon
-4 Orthodoxy, 4 LDS knowledge, -5 Cultural homogeneity



Orthodoxy ranges from (-) anti-, non- and liberal Mormon, to mainstream, conservative, and fundamentalist Mormon (+).



You're on the cutting edge of LDS progressivism. You believe scholarship and change would benefit the LDS Church, but you realize that your place in Mormonism is marginal.



Noted?

So I was going over my last blog yesterday, rediscovered this quiz, and thought I'd take it again for kicks to see how I've changed with regard to it. This was my new result:

Son of Perdition

-11 Orthodoxy, 5 LDS knowledge, -16 Cultural homogeneity


Orthodoxy ranges from (-) anti-, non- and liberal Mormon, to mainstream, conservative, and fundamentalist Mormon (+).

Chances are good that you enjoy the category this quiz put you in. You enjoy thinking about screwing on LDS property. Sometimes you bust out arcane LDS doctrine just to blow some Mormon minds. Missionaries are baffled that you could know so much about their church yet reject it entirely. You hate Mormonism and love every minute of it.


Interesting. Though I don't think I'd like to screw on LDS property. That's a bit too dirty for me, thx. And I'm not exactly the angry anti-type unless I run into an asshole. Even then, I know there's nothing I can do and it's a waste of my energy. Also, my FIL houses the sister missionaries. I do like to mess with them, but only subtly and only when they start in on me. They think there's a chance for us and when they express sentiments I like to put in a few words here and there to let 'em know we're not fresh meat. They're very nice, though. Really, I don't mind them at all when they're not waxing poetic about church--and even then, it depends on what they're talking about. After last conference, the last thing I wanted to hear was how inspiring it was. So, really, for sisters, they seem pretty normal

Rather than waste my time in endless LDS debate, I'd rather just have a drink and watch some rated-R movies. Not for the violence, no, but for the sex.

Of course.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween on Sunday

So, a few thoughts.

First, Halloween is on a Sunday. So obvs we need to stay home and read scriptures and wear ourselves thin going to meetings, yeah?

And if we can fit in some family time, all the better.

But really. A friend of mine says she's staying home Sunday and having the missionaries over for dinner. They'll help hand out the candy.

First of all: CREEPY and omg, missionary moment.

I shall dress as Jesus for Halloween and trick-or-treat her house. Or just do my Polygamous Joseph Smith costume idea. I still kill me!

Second, it reminds me of how, in the beginning, I learned that having a person break the Sabbath for you was just as bad as doing it yourself. You know. My family never got it, but they meant well.

"I need aspirin," I'd innocently (really) think aloud, "but it's Sunday. Sigh. I'll just get it tomorrow."

"You can't get it today?"

"It's teh Sabbath."

"Oh. Well, crap, I'll just get it for you. I'll be at the store anyways."

SCREEEEEEECH.

What would Jesus do?!

I was taught not to enable the heathens, so I learned quickly to just never state that I needed anything--including an oil change on my car because The Lord's Day was the only day my stepdad could manage that.

So anyway, back to my original thought: Is giving out candy on Halloween Sunday along the same lines?

Or is it made better with the missionaries there to hand out Book of Mormons instead of candy?

"Trick or Testimony" perhaps?

OMG, brainstorm!

Discuss!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Best costume idea EVER

Eric didn't think very much of my totally inspired idea--mostly because we were on the hay ride at the pumpkin farm and he doesn't like to talk shop in front of people who might recognize him. When we got back in the car he laughed but also had that "omg lisa, you're gonna piss someone off and i dunno if you really want to" face on. Again.

don't tell me if this idea has been thought of before. i don't want to know.

Okay. So he'd be Joe Smith or Brigham Young then me and, like, thirty other women and girls could dress up all pioneer-like and BE HIS WIVES.

Tell me that wouldn't be amazing. I dare you.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Venting: Yes, No?

You know how you're not supposed to ever ever say anything bad or critical about another person, but especially your spouse?

You know how you're not?

GOD.

It's not anything really incredible or anything, just general bitching, but dammit I need to vent sometimes. He doesn't. He can take anything and just be. Me--and I'm not necessarily proud of it--I need to vent or I'll explode.

But we're supposed to have the perfect eternal temple weirdo marriage, right? Perrrrfect. Smiles and everything. Never fight. Never ever think about the D word (i'm not considering it, but seriously: in the beginning we were like "no, not in our vocab because if we ever put it there it'll happen"). We're not just good, we're great! ALL THE TIME!

Why is this still in my brain?! Is it because if something did happen it'd be like we failed not the church, but...friends, fellow apostates, fellow semi-to-non-believers?

Actions do not happen without having first a thought. So saith one of the 12 assholes. Er, apostles.

Don't ever think bad things because then the law says bad things will happen! Right?

So I'm scared, even though my issues are, in comparison, nothing. They're a step above "he never puts his towel in the hamper."

(Which, btw, he does. He just never replaces his. He prefers to steal mine and yucky it all up. It's annoying.)

But even if I wasn't scared (or even if I am) I don't have anyone to vent to. One friend would let me but I don't want her thinking anything bad about Eric (this is not a result of church brainwashing, but rather my stepmom who has beat it into my head that THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS because grown people cannot possibly understand that everyone has faults and we can't possibly just bitch and then forget. That maybe I need her ear sometimes).

Also, I'm not that kind of girl. The one who disrespects her guy. I'm just not, and I can't help but think that venting in this way is disrespectful. Is it?

This is how I grew up: My family shoots off rather horrible passive-aggressive insults toward one another ALL THE TIME. They try to hide the venom with chuckles, but it's too potent. This is not only evident on one side of my family, but both. It pisses me off. They're disrespectful. And horrifyingly irritating. Then they wonder why my brother or my sister can be just the same way. One of these days I might tell them why.

Regarding the in-laws, the LDS side? "Oh isn't it wonderful? She never speaks badly about her husband. Or anyone for that matter. What a great example!"

I've always hated it when people said that, but it became a goal for me. I don't know why. Many people who "never speak ill of anyone" are so transparent as to be funny. They compliment through gritted teeth. You can hear the growl.

That, or you can see the sadness and loneliness in their eyes. Something that belies their words.

But some people truly only seem to see the good. And isn't that good?

So I have that worry.

The other one is that I'm not looking to vilify my husband, just to vent. Some people, non-member friends, might take it too far. I'm not looking to bash all men. I'm not looking to make it personal, so much, either. I don't hate men. I don't think he's an idiot. And the way I live my life and perceive life is vastly different from so many people, and I do credit the church for that but not necessarily in a bad way. I like how I view things and how I raise my kids and how I try to treat my husband--I know how it might have been without the church.

But I need to vent, goddammit. I just don't want to get to the point where I'm defending him--which I will--over irrelevant things. I don't want anyone to think I don't love this man. Apparently that means I should only say good things?

Isn't that what I'd want?

I have friends I'm close with but not in that way, if that makes sense. I don't know how to explain one or two of my relationships. We're close, like sisters even, but we're not intimate. I can't imagine picking up the phone and saying "Gawd, guess what?" It's weird.

Other friends aren't married and I don't want to bother them. It shouldn't make it an issue, but I can't help but think it is. I have this horrid habit of putting myself into other people's shoes to a fault. I project. People have said to me "don't worry, it's a non-issue" but I know it would be for me, so I don't go there.

Which is stupid. Probably.

I just don't have people to vent to. About husbands, men, kids, life. Someone who won't judge me or anyone else. I could use a motherfucking hug. From a friend. The ones I have don't hug, think I don't like hugging, or are too far away to hug. Yay!

I don't even want to vent here. I figure nobody wants to hear about it. Truth, I am blessed. I feel dumb enough when I bitch about things that feel huge to me but are things I later learn are microscopic compared to others' experiences. Humbling, for sure.

I don't know what to do. I'm sad, angry, and I need a weekend off like I haven't needed in probably a year or two. I thought that shit was over.

It sucks.

Anyone else have or ever had this issue? I could use a little validation.

The Super-Sekrit Name

So, I know some wavering members of whatever degree do and may read this blog. I also recognize that this is my own motherfucking blog and I no longer subject myself to the church's rules and bullshit--but I have a feeling one or two "IRL" people who are faithful members may read this blog.

Hi, ex-roomie. Are you here, too? I love you.

I don't want to offend her. I'm surprised I haven't yet. She's been so unbelievably good to me.

So here's the Q:

I have a super-sekrit temple name. For a few reasons I think it'd be good and fun to give it a shout out and perhaps have other readers do the same. I don't like feeling as if I'm under the church's authority, and keeping that secret sort of makes me feel that way. After all, it's not as if I'm handing out other peoples' super-sekrit names (like I'd know them--although, if we received our endowments on the same day at the same temple, I'd have a 1 in 3 chance at guessing). I just want to give my own. At my own "god will not be mocked" peril. Which I'm willing to chance.

I mean, Eric told me his. That was awesome, obvs. He can know mine but I can't know his? LAME. And insulting.

So where's the respectability line? Sometimes I give out little clues as to what goes on there, we talk about it, we allude to it. In the end, this is somebody else's faith that is kept very close to the heart. The temple stuff isn't just mine, it's every faithful "worthy" member's sacred shit, so I'm still hesitant. I'm also afraid because of how ridiculous I see it as now and don't want anyone to think "the fuck? really? you believed and did that?" which, I think, might be the big reason why it's a secret. Nobody wants to be mocked. There are a few people I'd be willing to tell, but not many.

But the super-sekrit name is mine.

I pee my pants giggling every time I see someone's online name as "My Temple Name is Deborah." KILLS ME. To be fair, however, it doesn't take much giggling after having three kids, amirite?

Let's be honest. It's not even that exciting. Temple names = biblical/BoM names. I wonder if there's a Moron or a Shiz anywhere. Or if anyone has ever said "Naw, what're the other options here? I can't be Abraham, Jesus, John, Paul? C'mon, really? Alma? That's a girl's name in some countries."

What the hell.

My super-sekrit name is Sarah.

Yours?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Wah-waaaaaaah

Salt Lake City, UT (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a SALT LAKE County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.



*Disclaimer: I wish I'd written this, but I didn't. Stole from Eric's aunt who also probably did not write it herself. :)

Still, it's good yeah?

Friday, October 22, 2010

On Stewardship

I don't know how I'm going to get through 12-16 units of school if I keep blogging when I ought to be studying.

But this is school related, sooo...

We've watched "The 11th Hour" over the last two class days, a movie about the health of our planet and how we're severely fucking it up. The first hour pissed me off, it was nothing but a scare-fest. "We're all gonna die! Turn into Venus! Ahhhhh!!" I realize it was a matter of convincing otherwise skeptical viewers that we really are headed up shit creek without a paddle fast, but still.

The second hour, of which we watched today, was more about what we can do.

People, the more I learn the more helpless I feel. Ever heard of liberal guilt? I hadn't until just a few weeks ago. Y'all, I got it. Bad.

Urban Koda talked a little about this the other day, how he wants to do what is best for our world and the animals and the people in it but just can't fucking afford it. You want to spend the extra cash on sustainable, grass fed beef. You want to buy the free range eggs (even though it's not necessarily better because it's not necessarily "free range"), you want to buy organic. You want to buy recycled. But in the end, you just can't afford it. Food is not all we need. We have kids, we have houses that need to be fixed up. We have places to go. So what do we do? Head over to Walmart, that's right. Cheap cheap cheap.

We do what little we can. I use cotton bags now. I buy products with the least amount of packaging, the most recyclable packaging. We've replaced all of our lightbulbs. We have the most energy-efficient windows on the market. When we can, I buy organic/natural. We've cut down on the number of times we eat out. If we had a decent farmer's market (we don't) that lasted longer than 6 weeks (we don't), I'd be there in a hot second.

But like I said, we don't.

I'd like to buy fruits and veggies in season, but I don't know what they are, what to do with them, and--worst of all--I just don't have the palate for many fruits and veggies. I'm a 12 year old. When summer hits, fruits and veggies are one of the few things I'm happy about: Strawberries, pineapple, peaches/nectarines, decent tomatoes (I swear to god I'm growing my own goddamn tomatoes next summer, whether or not our backyard is done), grapes, zuchinni and squash, peppers, melon, etc. When winter hits, I'm all about the oranges--but not much else. Even then, supermarket produce kind of bites. Also, Eric is allergic to many fresh fruits and vegetables. Canned it is for him. Or cooked. I do like sweet potatoes. As long as they're sweet.

Sigh.

We're also incorporating more and more whole grains into our diet. But again, I cannot stand oatmeal. God help me, I've tried. Rolled and steel cut, spiced and with fruit, doesn't matter. I hate the texture. Unless it's in a cookie. I sense a common thread here...

Trying to vote with the dollar isn't always easy. I live in an agricultural area and yet there are no small farms around here--wait, scratch that. Next summer I swear I'm going to take advantage of the little fruit stands. They're everywhere.

Alas, I've yet to watch Food Inc., mostly because I know it'll scare me and convince me even further that the food I eat is terrible and ruining everything--but what can I do? Not a hell of a lot.

At least I'm pretty sure I want chickens. Which is funny, because that was one of my mom's ideas about me going Mormon. I'd move to Utah, be one of many wives, and we'd have chickens.

Then, then there's Gasland, an indie documentary about the crisis of natural gas and how the big companies are royally fucking up our soil and our water--not so much my soil and water, but those of certain locales. It's so bad in some areas, where wells are drilled mere meters away from a house, that they can literally light their kitchen sink water aflame.

I decided after seeing that documentary that I don't really need my gas stove. That said, I realize electricity is derived from fossil fuels, so you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. But I don't need my gas stove. And, once we can afford it (which shouldn't be too much longer), we are so getting solar panels installed.

So, I mean, there's not a hell of a lot I can do. I'm feeling guilty enough about having to drive 50 miles three times a week for school--it's not like I can take a bus or ride a bike or walk. Carpool, maybe, but there are trust issues involved. And timing as well. It is a very green school, though. Green town. So, so, so many bikes.

Anyway. Here's the crux of the issue today, all of this aside:

My professor asked a very unresponsive and seemingly disinterested room why nobody in a position of power is listening to all of the evidence regarding climate change and sustainability and what we can do to be more eco-friendly. I wanted to raise my hand because I had an answer, but it would likely piss people off. He went on to say it had a lot to do with money. Corporations are now legally considered individual entities, with the rights and powers of a single voter. They give millions to politicians, propositions, etc. for their own financial gain and the politicians accept it because they want to win. Money money money. Capitalism at it's fucking finest.

My answer, however, was that the majority of these politicians who take this money are not only seeking out their own gain so they can do what they feel will better the economy--which is important--but because their constituents, if not the politicians themselves, are Christian.

Now, hold on. This is not a dog on Christianity. Entirely. But conservative Christians, at least the ones I've ran into and know, feel climate change and eco-responsibility are myths. God gave us this world and whatever is in it is to be used for our good. Why would god allow our land to reject us? Then you have assholes like Limbaugh saying shit like the oil spill is no biggie because oil is natural and water is natural. Never mind the scope of the problem. Or that they feel marijuana may be "natural" but that doesn't mean "good." You know?

Nobody remembers the bit in the Bible about our being stewards of the Earth. Everyone thinks and has thought for years that our resources are unlimited, that God would never ever let us ruin the land we live on. That god, therefore, gives more a shit about our bottom line than the fact that your tap water is flammable. Undrinkable. Can't even take a shower in it. That things like this seep into the soil, make its way into your food when the cattle eat off it. They don't see the balance because as many of them see it, we are the ultimate. Nothing can happen to us. We are eternal.

There's a balance between our economy and our home. I'm not vilifying the economy entirely, just that whole "love of money" thing. I mean, look. My family needs more money if we're going to consume better. Which is wrong, but it's reality.

So maybe I'm just looking for it, but I'm angry at religion today, at least mainstream Christianity--and yes, you could include Mormonism in there too. They speak about taking care of the earth with their lips but that's about it, and then only when it looks good. Otherwise, it's elitist to be concerned. It's faithless to be concerned. It's "stupid" even to do what you can. Eric got so much shit for using a push mower. People don't get it. They don't want to listen. They think all of this is a hoax, indoctrination, godless. It's beyond me.

We're such an incredibly smart (forgive me) species. We've taken ourselves to the moon, put satellites in space, created microchips so small I don't understand how one can see it--we have the ability to change our technology with regard to energy and yet we don't because we need the money. We need the job. We pander. We are willfully ignorant. We don't care.

And we don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'd love to change the world, but I feel paralyzed and helpless. Tired. Pulled in fifty different directions--where do I start and when do I stop?

I think we need to start with a younger generation. My sister is getting the clue despite her upbringing. They're the ones willing to listen. They're the ones with the energy. They're the ones not caught up in a life that took them for a ride. But we can do it too, little by little. Still, spreading this information is rough stuff. You mention one thing like climate change and half the room tells you to fuck off, god is at the helm. Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow Christ will come and the Earth will be renewed to its paradisaical glory.

We're still waiting.