Monday, March 7, 2011

Gotta be more.

Y'all know I'm aching at the moment to move on, but the harder I try the harder I find it easy to do so. I know that's part of the deal, things not being easy, but still. I can't stand getting involved in debates I know absolutely nothing about, and the thing is I don't have the fucking time to invest in getting to know the issues better. And I feel like a fool in the process.

So maybe I will just stick with the fucking church for now. With religion. My idea for the project I've been assigned deals with the rhetoric surrounding conversion and retention not only (though perhaps only) in the LDS church but in Christianity in general. The LDS church is much more obvious in their efforts to do so, and I've first hand experience there.

I could also do the gay marriage thing, how it's "unnatural"--I mean, shit, that's easy.

I just want to believe there's something more to me than all of this. I'm having a hard time figuring out what that is, and it's becoming rather depressing.

There's got to be more to me than this.

Besides, looking up issues beyond the church (and, I suppose, including the church) is nothing short of depressing. You wouldn't believe the bullshit people believe. Denial of white privilege--"omg America won't be a white country anymore WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?!?!"

I read another essay on the rhetoric of early 20th century efforts to make women feel it was their place to be in and enjoy and whatever-the-fuck else in the home. It was enlightening, but frustrating. Karen Altman, look her up.

I don't need this stress right now. I'm drowning. I've been fine, mentally, since school began. Now I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the one week I *have* to make it through. My spring break, which is next week, is so full I won't have a chance to sit down. So if sanity means holding onto the buoy that is analyzing church efforts to keep their "faithful" in line, I guess I'll do it.

Everywhere else I turn I feel like an unenlightened, wanna-be poseur, and that doesn't feel good either. Maybe at this phase in my life, this is my expertise and I just need to ride the wave.

I'd just like to know that there's more to me than this.


  1. You need to hand out pamphlets and booklets just how other churches do to "educate" the public. Something that touches on homosexuality and evolution and all that. I'd love to see a liberal agnostic taking the time to do that!

  2. I had to think this through a lot, and I don't want to preach or ramble in your blog. But the conclusion I's gonna be hard to learn otherwise.

    But you are more than that. I know because I see it (and I'm rarely wrong about people, just ask me ;-). You're passionate, you're intelligent, and you have drive. You want to accomplish things and be someone, and you're capable of it.

    If you can find a friend or two whose interests focus elsewhere. Completely elsewhere. Like in the topics you want to learn more about, even if its an online friend or'll make it easier.

    Whatever you pick, it'll be what you need. And I wish you luck (((hugs)))

  3. The whole thing with bullying is to make you feel like you can't judge the outside world, thus you won't want to go out in it. Use the same sense of logic and reason that you have developed in analyzing the church to assess other topics. You'll make some mistakes, but you will grow as a person.
    I know what you mean about energy though. :0)

  4. It takes a long time to become comfortable on the outside of Mormonism. Sending more hugs your way.

  5. it's been so fun, lisa, to know you and watch you grow up. i knew you before mormonism, and i have to say--the essential things that made you awesome before are still there. you're snarky as hell, you say kind/empathic things all of the time, and you devour knowledge like it's cake. you're brilliant but also just a lovely human being.

    so yeah. there's a lot more to you than you're seeing about yourself. maybe you're just not done processing.

  6. There is so much rhetoric in the cult -- so it's a very broad topic. Can you do something smaller? For example, different rhetoric is used with kids in primary than the rhetoric used to keep the women in relief society in line. Then there's the whole topic of rhetoric used to keep the p-hood in line. There's even condescending rhetoric that applies specifically to single adults.

    Then there is rhetoric dealing with specific topics as opposed to groups -- the rhetoric used to "encourage" people to pay their tithing is fascinating (and infuriating).

    There is much more to you than this, Lisa. Maybe your gut/frustration is telling you one of two things: either you need to put stuff about the religion on paper to process it; or maybe you need to walk away from the LDS topic altogether. The rhetoric of Scientology could also be fascinating. ; )

  7. *hugs* it really does take a long time. i've been mentally out for almost a year and half. the first nine months were hell. and the hell now comes and goes. be patient with yourself. you deserve it!