Y'all know I'm aching at the moment to move on, but the harder I try the harder I find it easy to do so. I know that's part of the deal, things not being easy, but still. I can't stand getting involved in debates I know absolutely nothing about, and the thing is I don't have the fucking time to invest in getting to know the issues better. And I feel like a fool in the process.
So maybe I will just stick with the fucking church for now. With religion. My idea for the project I've been assigned deals with the rhetoric surrounding conversion and retention not only (though perhaps only) in the LDS church but in Christianity in general. The LDS church is much more obvious in their efforts to do so, and I've first hand experience there.
I could also do the gay marriage thing, how it's "unnatural"--I mean, shit, that's easy.
I just want to believe there's something more to me than all of this. I'm having a hard time figuring out what that is, and it's becoming rather depressing.
There's got to be more to me than this.
Besides, looking up issues beyond the church (and, I suppose, including the church) is nothing short of depressing. You wouldn't believe the bullshit people believe. Denial of white privilege--"omg America won't be a white country anymore WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?!?!"
I read another essay on the rhetoric of early 20th century efforts to make women feel it was their place to be in and enjoy and whatever-the-fuck else in the home. It was enlightening, but frustrating. Karen Altman, look her up.
I don't need this stress right now. I'm drowning. I've been fine, mentally, since school began. Now I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the one week I *have* to make it through. My spring break, which is next week, is so full I won't have a chance to sit down. So if sanity means holding onto the buoy that is analyzing church efforts to keep their "faithful" in line, I guess I'll do it.
Everywhere else I turn I feel like an unenlightened, wanna-be poseur, and that doesn't feel good either. Maybe at this phase in my life, this is my expertise and I just need to ride the wave.
I'd just like to know that there's more to me than this.