So I'm back. Couldn't stay away, I guess.
(dunno what I'm talking about? catch up on the tabs up there)
I stopped my last blog because I'd had enough of bitching about the church and its doctrines and doing whatever I could to convince someone, anyone, to take off their rose colored glasses and stop being so goddamn blind (willing or not) or at least so goddamn closed-minded.
It doesn't work.
Well, not for the most part.
Even if you're just trying to convince them that the world ain't black and white.
But this time I'm not here to convince anyone of anything--period. This is just me doing my best to make sense of mental chaos in the hopes that others will join the discussion (and not try to convince me I'm wrong--not because I think I'm right, but because I don't care to debate whether I'm right or wrong).
I haven't been to church--well, not to my own ward--in a little over a year. I go through periods where I don't care about this. I go through periods where I think I'm just fine being one of teh inactives. Times where I'm quite comfortable stating there might not be a god and that Christ may not be divine or even real, for that matter.
But then there are times when I really do care. Nobody has really made any effort to contact us since going completely inactive, which, while somewhat nice is also a little offensive.
There are also times when I don't want to be inactive. I want to resign. The most recent time being this past month with the overturning of Prop 8 and the church's misleading reaction of the judge who overruled the will of people who voted not once but twice to "keep marriage traditional." Seriously, guys? There are so many lawyers in the church to make this reaction un-be-fucking-lievable. They know how the system works, but they want what they want no matter how they can get it. The end justifies the means. They lied. They think their members are stupid. They don't want them to know the truth, that although the system worked as it should they didn't get the outcome they wanted. No. By saying what they did they encouraged the sentiment shared by many of their conservative members that this was the action of an activist judge turning our country into a dictatorship. The world is coming to an end. Dwindling in sin and unbelief. Proof that Satan rules this world and WE MUST STAND FIRM ON WHAT IS RIGHT.
And yet, frustratingly, there are times I want to go back.
There are also times when I can't, for whatever reason, be comfortable with the idea of the nonexistence of a god and moreso about Christ. I imagine this is largely because I grew up with this teaching. Brimstone and fire and the like.
These are the times I forget. These are the times I'm ruled by emotion. I want to be ruled not necessarily by logic, but honesty and peace. Not easy.
But I know I may never totally shed the Christian or Mormon from me. It's a recovery effort. If I am a believer in god, it is a belief not satisfied by any religion I've come across. Though I feel most at home in an LDS chapel, it is not because of the doctrine. It is not because I believe it to be true. I can, however, honestly say I reject the Bible and the Book of Mormon as a whole, though I do love some of their teachings.
But it's hard to remember these things. It's hard to feel so alone and uncertain. It's hard to remember that strong commitment and belief in The True Church was a big reason I was initially interested in my husband--hotness and incredible, otherworldly connection aside. While his confident disbelief or rather non-belief is certainly no dealbreaker, it puts us on different pages and I'm so not used to that. It's rather scary.
It's also difficult to be surrounded by people who, while kind, can't understand and feel I am destined to something less than they are. That I'm immoral, have sub-par values, that I'm not strong enough. People who might feel the need to stay away from me because I refuse to get in line with them like a good god-fearing girl should. Because it might be contagious.
It's difficult to convince myself that it's okay to feel whatever I feel, even if that feeling is anger.
It's difficult to convince myself that I'm moral enough, worthy enough, and good enough for any god that might have created me and put me here.
And that pisses me off.