Friday, August 13, 2010


I swear this constant posting thing won't last forever. Especially this weekend, probably. It's my birthday (hellooo 29) and my dad will have the kids and I'll be out with my husband doing stuff.

Including quite possibly getting something pierced.

No, not that. Geez.

Here're the options:

1) I have, since I was about 16, wanted to get my eyebrow pierced. Of course being a member of the church, I would never dare defile my body in such a way, but as an apostate I am free--nay, obligated--to do so. It won't last but a few years as I don't imagine schools smile down on teachers with eyebrow piercings, but I want--need?--to get this out of my system.

However, Eric isn't so hep on the idea.

Eric likes option #2:
2) The nose stud. Not a ring, a stud. I love studs--but I love them so much more on darker skinned women. I, on the other hand, am quite certainly a white girl. I have either won or tied on every single contest i've had with other white girls. Sunglasses req'd white.

So I dunno. And I'm unsure if I have the nose for it. But Eric is allll for it. Even thinks I may get away with it once I am ready to look for a job. Just not something I've ever really considered for more than a few seconds.

The problem with both options:
Family. His family, to be more specific. They're pretty to the letter about things. To the spirit too, but to the letter as well. And I love them. I struck gold when I got my in-laws, and I worry as it is being the kind of person that I am that they're a bit iffy about me anyways. I don't question that they love me, but we are absolutely a different sort of folk in a lot of ways. Example: They're non-confrontational. I like a good debate. I'm a bit irreverent (always have been, even in my Molly days), they're...not. At least not in the same way.

I dunno, people. I'm pushing it with my shorts, y'know? Last night we were discussing how BYU fashion standards have tightened since MIL's day and she mentioned that it just looks better anyway to wear longer shorts. I don't think she meant to direct this at me, but man.

So I worry the nose or eyebrow will scream at them and they'll think less of me.

Should I care? Maybe not. But I do. I shouldn't.

That said, I've wanted to do this for nearly fifteen years. I've regretted most of this time not doing it. I don't want to continue regretting something just because somebody might not approve. Screw that.

That said, the wuss in me prefers #3:

3) Multiple ear piercings, including the upper ear that I hear hurts like a motherfucker to pierce. But I've given birth to three kids. I'm not afraid of pain.

Con: it would be the coward's way out, the compromise. Even though the church frowns on multiple earrings, it's just the ear. Also I'd likely regret spending the money on something I'm only slightly interested in doing. We're not exactly rolling in it. It would be cool, but not so genuine.

Eric doesn't want me to do #3. Eric wants me to be bad.

It's kind of sexy, really.

So what was I talking about again?

Belonging. Right.

So here's the thing. I don't belong. I didn't belong as a kid outside the church. I just didn't. I did, however, belong as a YSA--but I wasn't YSA for long. I joined the church at 18 and married my RM husband at 20 because that's what good Mormons do (yanno, because premarital sex is a sin next to murder--god i wish we would've just did it already). Enter kids--onetwothree. Just like that. My oldest was 2 1/2 when I had my youngest. I was pregnant within a few weeks of our marriage. Wasn't even 21. My friends were doing the same, but they were pretty much doing what was expected of a good Mormon wife. I did my best, but I grew up on Roseanne, you know? Sewing and mending and cleaning (well, i like a clean house) and all that Donna Reed/June Cleaver bullshit wasn't my bag.

Despite how much I wanted to, I just didn't belong. Trying quite literally gave me migraines. I'm almost positive it encouraged the onset of my bipolar (it does run in the family, but still)

And besides, not belonging in the church is a symptom that something is wrong with you. The leaders hand out the maps in all their talks and firesides, you just gotta follow. If you can't, well, you're not faithful enough. Or trying hard enough. Praying enough. Something.

Am I wrong?

Then there's the anxiety. I worry myself to death about things. Did then, do now. Also bipolar. That makes life and relationships tons of fun, too.

It's a bit isolating.

I'm fighting to find people outside the church who I can connect with. So far I've met a few good women but they're wary of me. A lot of women everywhere are wary of me for some reason.

Maybe it's because I'm trying too fucking hard to belong.

I know, in my head at least, that the best and most respected people are the most honest and true-to-self people. People who do what they want because it's what they really want despite what others say or think. People who don't do or say things just because it might appeal to someone else. I love people like that.

I have to give myself some credit though. I am going back to school before my kids are grown with the intention to actually use my degree and work full-time (commence vigorous disapproving finger One class next semester, full time after that (if the California budget will allow me to even get in). And socially, I have some hope of meeting new people at school, but I suspect most of them will be 18-25 years old and single. And it does pose a problem. A few.

Believe it or not I am trying to be concise here and stick to one topic. The piercing--I don't belong in the church. I don't yet belong anywhere outside the church. I may as well just get something pierced like I've wanted to for years and have a smidge of respect for myself. I can then welcome in the people who don't even notice. I would especially welcome those who like me because of it, because it is an expression of who I am, what I feel like inside. Have always felt like.

Maybe I can make my own place and welcome those who want to come in.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Oh man, I can't believe Blogger just swallowed my comment. It was a good one, too.

    Okay, so here's a summary: I have a nose piercing, and I love it. For white women, I think it's best to stick with very small, sparkly studs. Mine is just a flash of light and it seems to work for me. I do think it's more versatile and unobtrusive than an eyebrow piercing. The pain only lasts for a second, so it's actually way better than childbirth.

    In-laws: Mine hate-hate-HATE that I'm pierced (and tattooed). The first time they saw my piercing was at my BIL's mission farewell, and I admit that wasn't the best timing, but it just happened that way. My MIL was so appalled she spent the whole night slamming dishes and snapping at everyone; I felt bad for ruining the whole day but also like, WTF? Just because I have this tiny dot on my nose?

    I feel much less pressure about it since we don't live near them anymore. But I'm also trying to take the approach of, "This is me, take it or leave it." It doesn't always work, but I did stop hiding my tattoos under long sleeves. They're meaningful to me, the experience of having them done was meaningful, and I don't want to be so easily shamed by other people. In non-image areas, I don't hide my music taste anymore (I'm not above liking Lady Gaga), and I don't carry around big, intense books just to impress people. Not that I don't actually like big, intense books, but sometimes I also read Jennifer Weiner. I've always had to be (or at least be perceived as, or feel like) the smartest person in the room. I'm trying to let that go.

    Socially isolated: I dig you. I got married at 19, had my first kid at 20, and my second 20 months after that. Around here, all the women I know with kids this age are about 10 years older. I don't know anyone my age with kids, hence I don't know anyone my age, because we generally can't relate. (Older people without kids are fine, though.) Outside of the Jello Belt, if you got married at 19 it was probably shotgun-style, and if you had a kid barely out of your teens you might have been hitting the pipe at the time. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but only a mild one. It's just not done, getting married very young and having kids right away. So it can be isolating.

    I really think we could get along, and you're probably only an hour away. Unless the reason women are wary of you is because you're outrageously skinny and gorgeous in which case, I admit, I'd be wary, too. But maybe we could give it a shot. Is the desperation seeping through adequately?

  3. WTF? Okay, my first comment did publish, so I posted a slightly revised follow-up comment for no reason. So I deleted the first one. I'm going to leave now.

  4. I feel your pain here, Lisa! I have been seriously considering getting a tattoo since I left the church (so, for almost four years). I'm saving up the money to do so and I know exactly what I want and where I want it. I love tattoos, especially ones with stories, and I am looking forward to getting mine.

    But (big, hairy but). I am trying to decide whether I should tell my mother and show her a picture of the tattoo when I get it, or attempt to hide it from her (it will be in a location that is easy to hide OR display). She and my stepfather are very uprightly LDS and she'd be absolutely horrified if I defiled the temple of my body in such a fashion. I just can't decide yet whether it's worth telling her and having it out, or trying to keep it from her (which would be really hard, since my close relatives near me are her side of the family and none of them are LDS and they would all love the tattoo).

    Leaving the church has ended up being so much more than just not believing the doctrine anymore. I still love my mom, of course, and we are friends and generally get along really well, but as I am an adult and make decisions for myself, we clash (the big one of course was moving in with my boyfriend-of-five-years). Things which ideally would not be important to another person become really important, like piercings and tattoos.

  5. I'm very glad I got my eyebrow piercing. The funny thing is that neither of my parents have ever, ever mentioned it. They pretend it doesn't exist. They do that with a lot of things they wish didn't exist.

    I think that you should do what you want to do and not worry about what someone else might think or how they'll judge you. I don't feel it's worth it to live life that way.

  6. Got the eyebrow done! It’s weird, but I’m happy

    @Chandelle: Damn blogger.

    k, so I'm *not* outrageously skinny (3 kids?) and model beautiful. No worries there ;)

    I don't think my MIL will freak out *quite* like that. I know she reallyreally won’t get it, but she'll be super nice about it anyway. Also helps that there are a few apostates in her fam, too.

    Now my FIL will probably make a few regular comments--things that make Eric laugh, but it just makes me mad and want to come up with a fantastic, biting comeback.

    I'll likely just get the wide eyes and the "oooooooh...nice" sort of comments. Or nothing at all. I wouldn't be surprised if people acted differently around me without saying anything.

    I want a tat, too. I know what I want, pretty sure I know where I want it, but it's not as pressing as this thing right now.

    @Diana: gawd, that's such a hard thing. I hadn't even thought of it, though we kinda went through the same thing when it came to my nephew's blessing just a few months ago: tell SIL beforehand that Eric wouldn't be participating or just...yanno, let 'em find out when he didn't go up.

    We went with the latter and it worked out fine. In fact, I'm wondering if she noticed at all.

    She will be a whole different post.

    There's always this option too: I kinda announced my intentions on facebook the other day. That's a good backdoor, really.

    I get that this stuff is important to them. They've been told it is and they believe it is. I did. But yeah, in the grand scheme of things--even in the grand Christlike scheme of things--does this stuff *really* matter, or is it just distracting from what does?

  7. i totally agree, craig. thank you <3

  8. From someone who has taken the plunge I think you should get whatever piercings you really feel you want.

    I got my cartilage pierced on my upper ear in December and have loved them since day one. Not gonna lie, those piercings finally healed about a month ago, but I feel like they worth it. I had wanted those piercings for 10 years!!! (Hinkley gave his speech about the B's and gave the mandate that women have only one piercing at about that time.) Despite them only having just healed I do not regret them.

  9. Opps. Just read the comments. Congrats on getting the eyebrow done!