The journal of an unofficial, liberal ex-Mormon ex-Christian girl recovering from religion--but not without an overdose of confusion, frustration and good old fashioned guilt.
The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love
For real, shut the [expletive] up and sleep.
The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
You're cute as hell and smart as [expletive]
But why in the [expletive] won't you sleep?
Seriously. I've some pregnant friends and family right now who I'd love to give a copy to, but no one who would approve. Which is too bad.
Interestingly enough, it's funnier with the bleep.
And spending money like we have it. Which, btw, we don't. But it's little things. Always little things.
Like a book! Y'all, I've been jonesing for this book for...ever and because I can never ever go to the store for "one thing" I found myself in the book department (because I live in a shitty city with NO BOOKSTORE) and found my book!
Not "Annie," though I do so much want to read that book. I do love me some controversy.
This one, Forever by Judy Blume, has it's own controversy. It's been on my mind for a long, long time. I've denied myself because I'm afraid of a few things:
1) I'm easily influenced by books, and I think this one might be too closely related to my story I've been working on forever that won't leave me the fuck alone.
and,
2) Uhm. Jesus, I forgot. Well, I don't have the time for it right now. But #2 was something else.
It's a miracle if I've written anything semi-coherent. I think my mind gave up once I sent in that gigantic (for me) rhetorical analysis paper. Which I got an A on, thankyouverymuch.
I have so many blog topics on the brain right now and while I might have some time to write them, I don't feel like I can. While it may seem otherwise, I do care about writing a semi-decent post.
One and a half more weeks, kids.
I'm looking forward to summer. Not the heat--dear god, the heat--but, you know, chill time.
But I always idealize shit like this. I hope this summer is more fun.
Oh--my girl turns 8 next week. First--weird. Second, so far: nothing. Not since the "omg your sweet daughter of God is turning 8 let's get her dunked." Then again, the mass stake baptism kids day for her doesn't occur until the first Sunday next month, so we'll see. It seems the higher ups know where we stand. Our would-be-bishop awkwardly invited Eric and us to church back in April, and Eric said "y'know, that's prolly not going to happen" and the bish said "yeah, I figured."
I'm surrounded by these people and yet so many of them are so goddamn chill. We really hit the jackpot. It makes up for the crappy town. I'm just not feeling it.
Over the last few days I've read so many glowing reviews for Annie on My Mind that it's on my summer TBR list for sure. It's a coming-of-age tale of two girls whose friendship turns to love. Their relationship, for various reasons both predictable and not, is forbidden.
So I went to Goodreads to update my list and to read the reviews there. After all I'd heard of this book, these reviews surprised me. Tons (like 85) Barnes and Noble readers give the novel 4.5 stars. Goodreads gives this book about 3. So I'm reading and then, then, I hit this review.
You'll enjoy it. I did.
"Had to read for controversial/banned books lesson for YA lit. class. Review: Dated (1982) book about a girl in high school who falls in love with another girl. Aside from being confused about their sexual orientation, the girls are not very good at practicing restrain or self-control. Personally, a disturbing subject and more so because of the point of view.
...
...Wait for it...
I am forever grateful for my friends in BYU 32nd ward who were with me throughout the day helping me get through this book. It was a serious ordeal for me and their love and support was the only thing that got me to the end." -- Goodreads (emphasis added)
sigh. I'm happy she was able to "get through" her "serious ordeal." Later she says she wanted to read an LBGTQ book, so props to her. Still, "serious ordeal"? I hope she came out with a greater appreciation and less "ew, gross."
(can i also just say that I want to take a YA lit class? PLEASE?)
Anyway, on my TBR list. So many books are. I'm in a little over my head, but oh well. I always romanticize things in my head. Summer will be wonderful. I will stay within a really air conditioned home and read in a quiet room (HA!). I will do all these things. I forget how tired the heat makes me. Or how easily distracted I get.
ALSO.
(Because I posted on it yesterday...) As for the bin Laden thing: I've heard so many different reactions. Mine, obviously, was one of "glee." We got the bastard! But I have appreciated hearing different perspectives. They made me think and continue to think. Still, as of this moment, I'm glad the asshole is gone.
Yes, please. Let's breed some MORE fucking ignorance, shall we? This coming from the people who call liberals too concerned with being politically correct. This likely coming from the same people who would rather teach our kids abstinence way before methods of safe(r) sex. This is unbelievably condescending.
I generally don't bother making new year's resolutions, but I did last year and made it through July--which, I think, is pretty damn good. My resolution was simple: read one book a month. I even kept track. Some months I only read one, some months I read up to three. I'd like to make this resolution again, but with a full load at school and a family at home, I'm not all that sure how much time or motivation I'll have for casual reading. But I'd really, really like to.
At the moment I'm reading "The Six Wives of Henry VIII" by Allison Weir and am finding it terrifically interesting. I'm now about in the middle of his fifth wife, Katharine Howard. She'll be beheaded soon. It astounds me how accurate the series The Tudors is. The show does take artistic license, but damn. This book also makes me want to travel to England that much more. It has also reignited a rather passive love I have for history, and I'm seriously considering minoring in it. History and literature go together hand in hand.
So that was the resolution last year. What stopped me? School, partly, but also my cycling. I get so disinterested in books sometimes. I may want to read but can't find it in me to read. It happens especially when I'm reading a more difficult book. Last year I slowed down considerably with The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak. That said, I completely recommend the novel. Narrated by Death, it tells the tale of a small girl in Nazi Germany. It is not your typical WWII novel.
This reminds me: not too recently ago I had the idea of having a Literary Sunday kind of feature. I get so obsessed with religion and mormons that I forget my very first love. Surely that deserves more of my attention. Maybe I'll do that.
Anyway, this year's resolutions:
1) Try my damndest to not be so self-deprecating. This is especially difficult to do in the throes of a bad depression, but I need to do it. A few days ago it was bad, so I wrote down everything I was worrying about with regard to myself and my life. It helped. Thinking about good things with regards to myself, however, doesn't come very easily to me.
2) Resolve to stop allowing feeling lame to get in the way of allowing friends and family to help me. I also used this resolution today when I brought up a few posts of mine at Main Street Plaza. Yes, I was lame and nominated myself, but I'm proud of those posts (Stupid Mormon Words and Stupid Mormon Phrases) and feel they deserve some consideration.
3) Keep going forward. I am terrified of going to school, to the point where I regularly attempt to convince myself it is not only better but safer to stay home instead. It's enticing, but I'm not happy here. I'm just not.
And that's really it. If I keep thinking I'll come up with more, but with the year looking like it does I don't need more. Simple is best, for sure. I might also try to clean up my posts, but I won't make any promises. This isn't an especially serious blog (well it is, but it's hardly academic), and I don't want it to be. However, it would be a good exercise in writing, which I don't do nearly as often as I should or would like.
Going shopping for your mother/MIL and finding a totally hilarious book that you know they'd love EXCEPT IT SAYS "FUCK" TOO MUCH.
Therefore, even if they did like it they'd get this disappointed/weird/this-isn't-worthy look on their faces. EVEN IF THEY DID LIKE IT. They might read it in a distant, dark corner and giggle, but they'd repent later.
Which they would. Eric's stepfather would love it, especially, but he's weird. He's irreverent and mouthy one minute and the next he's being preachy. But I know they'd secretly love it, which is why I want to get it for them anyways, but Eric's pretty sure it's too much. Which it probably is, but for reals.
Dudes. I get that sometimes overuse of the word can be too much and unwelcome, but this shizz is funny.
And these people difficult enough to shop for, anyway.
My students are bright and inquisitive about the things that interest them. Many of them come from lower-income neighborhoods. They have been told that their voices and opinions don't always count because they don't have lots of money, or they don't speak English fluently. But they have a fire in them to be heard, and they have a curiosity about the world. They are just now learning how valued and important they are, that their choices matter, that they have a right to know things about their world. - Ms. B, Creating Avid Readers
You may remember some months ago when I plugged a project of a long-time friend of mine, a teacher down in Austin, Texas. After the success of said project (asking for help in acquiring a variety of fiction books to appeal to her specific student demographic), she's now hoping for help in acquiring a variety of non-fiction books for her students.
And today is her birthday.
Anyway, if you have the extra cash and willingness (these kids need support), please visit her project page at DonorsChoose.org and donate whatever you can to help. One dollar, five dollars--whatever you can. The site makes payment really easy, and you don't have to make an account to do so.
Speaking as the wife of a teacher and friend of many teachers, our educators severely lack support, financially and otherwise. Consider making this your monthly charitable action, part of your Christmas giving. I know many ask for money (god do I know--daily emails) and that it can be overwhelming especially during this time of year, but check it out. Discovering a love for books, discovering knowledge, can not only change the life of a child but of those who the child comes in contact with as they go through their lives. It's a well-known saying, but it doesn't mean it isn't true: knowledge is power.
Remember the post I wrote about the incredible book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson? (yes I push this thing like it were my bible, but there's something amazing about this book. i think it was the part at the end where the author writes that the most surprising reactions she received regarding the book were all the boys who asked her "what's the big deal?")
I watched the movie this weekend. It starred Twilight's Kristen Stewart, and I'll admit part of why I wanted to see the movie is because of her. I wanted to see another aspect of her acting (next I plan to see The Runaways). My husband remarked during the movie that she had been typecast--another depressed, awkward girl who hates the snow.
But in this case, Melinda Sordino (the character she played) had every reason to be depressed and hate everything. She had been raped by a boy she went to school with and had to see every day. A boy who would pass her by and call her "fresh meat." A boy who literally loomed over her as he spoke with her table-mates. A boy who cornered her in a classroom. A boy who moved on to date her ex-best friend.
I gave the movie 3 out of 5 stars if only because the book is ten times better, if not more, and I had some concerns about logistics. My initial reaction was one of disillusionment, but now I want to watch it again. There were some amazing scenes--the rape scene itself was frightening. The boy ignored her pleas, did his thing, and just left her alone like she was nothing. The scariest thing is that, if you didn't know, you'd think he was a good guy. Hot, funny, charming, easy to like. An older boy expressing interest in a younger, more naive girl, a boy who had a propensity for saying all the right things. And he did ask if she wanted to. That's all you have to do, right? I mean, she went with him to his truck. She kissed him like she wanted to go further. That's consent enough, yeah?
And he was so easy to like. I mean to the point where you even begin to think--after the fact--"maybe he's not so bad."
And that's the point.
Throughout the movie, unlike the book, Melinda has flashbacks to the night. I thought this particular mode of storytelling was incredibly effective in the movie. In the book you don't know what happened until about halfway to 3/4 of the way in. Until that point, she is just a very depressed, weird girl who doesn't talk much and has lost her best friends. I felt for her, because that's how I was. It frightened me to think how I would've reacted had something worse happened to me than what did.
The worst part, though, is how her family and teachers treated her. Her family had their own issues. Her father was jobless, her mother seemed...stressed and depressed herself. They were worried about, though annoyed by their daughter. Her best friends ditched her in anger because she called the cops the night she was raped and they came to break up the party. Nobody knew the real reason the cops were called. It wasn't to break up the party. Seeing it was worse than reading it.
At one point, once the cops arrived (without being told why--they thought it was a neighbor calling to complain), Melinda's best friend, angry, slapped her. Bitch, why did you call the cops? Why did you ruin my night?
SHE SLAPPED HER. After the poor thing had been raped. Shit. You. Not. Her friend didn't know, but Melinda knew. Every single viewer knew. It was powerful.
I think that attitude by so many people who should have noticed, should have cared but rather understandably didn't, struck me as hard as the rape scene did. It was a lesson to be learned. We grow up and we forget so easily. We are so caught up in our own shit that we can’t see past the ends of our noses. I will venture to say this happens to every parent, every friend, every authority figure. We are human. We have ill-timed moments of selfishness and self-centeredness.
Artistically speaking, the movie brought to light a few things I didn't see in the book. Her perceptions of her teachers, how she treated others, how she saw her parents. When she was at her worst, so were they. In the beginning, her English teacher was a mess. By the end, she was a put together woman, someone the kids would respect. Her history teacher was a fucking asshole, but by the end found empathy and treated her softly. The world was evil and unrelentingly hard on her.
Before I realized this, the movie pissed me off. I hate these stories featuring kids with ridiculously stupid adults. I get it--kids think adults are stupid, but this is supposed to be a realistic interpretation of life. I don't appreciate caricatures, but this wasn't like that. This was almost projection of what was going on inside.
The movie did seem to drag on a bit. Not a hell of a lot happened for a good long time, but the flashbacks broke the monotony to keep you interested. Melinda didn't talk much. Nobody expressed a real interest in what was wrong, just told her to get over it. That it was a phase.
The beginning was terribly annoying.
"What's your name?"
"Melinda Sordino."
"Name?"
"Melinda Sordino."
Ad nauseum. I yelled at the television: WE GET IT. For god's sake.
But the point was made early on in the movie. Parents, friends, teachers: if your child goes from happy, functional, and an all-around sociable person with a ton of friends to a quiet girl who does weird shit like drawing stitches on her mouth and doesn't talk much and has no friends within a short, almost immediate period of time, there is likely something very wrong. Don't dismiss it. Don't say stupid shit like "it'll get better" "just smile" or even worse "i understand." Because the fact is, you very well may not.
Or you might and just not know it. Even if you're going through your own tragedies, this child matters more.
And the movie gave girls who had gone through these things someone to relate with. It was incredibly realistic in this way. And again, the rape scene was terrifying. The fact that this boy went on to date others and charm everyone else and just seem like another decent guy was terrifying. Couple it with the fact that too few people see the problem in a rape, that it's almost normalized (how often do you hear the statistics? how often do you hear about how boys will be boys? were you ever a young girl who had older-boy/man fantasies? how often do you hear shit like "she asked for it" or that guys just can't help themselves, that it's up to the girls to control men by the way they dress? How much is the message of what is rape confusing, etcetc ETC)
In all, Kristen Stewart did a pretty slamming job of playing the part. The important basics of the story were kept fairly whole. Nobody ever would have pinned the guy as a rapist. And in every school there is at least one "weird" depressed girl who doesn't necessarily dress in black but is quiet and generally and uncharacteristically withdrawn, the girl (or boy) we dismiss because they're "that age" and everyone is depressed and angsty and they'll get over it. Or, even better, we become frustrated with them because of that. Goddamn teenagers. We have our own shit to deal with, what the fuck, you know? They need to grow up and get over it.
And yes, the rape scene was absolutely necessary, despite what others may think, because too many people don't get it. Again, we forget so easily. We need a good slap in the face. This is where I believe the church and those who gasp at such things are dangerously wrong. In our minds we begin to see the world as too good. It’s not a bad thing to think of people as generally good, but we need to be aware as well for the sake of ourselves, our friends, and our family.
We need to pay attention to our kids and to each other. Period. Treat others the way we’d like to be treated. We need to take care of each other.
In all, I'd recommend you read the book first and yes, see the movie. It's completely worth it.
I know many (if not all) of you no longer tithe to the church (and why the hell should you?) but many of you find you are still able to take that monthly 10% and donate to other charitable causes. Please consider donating some of that money to my friend's 7th grade classroom. I've known her since I was 15--she's one of the best people I know, and she loves her kids. One of her pet projects is to help her students discover a love of reading by offering them a wide variety of books.
If you love reading and/or have experienced how one book--the right book for you--could change your life, how you learned that reading can offer a world of amazing things: knowledge, understanding, being understood, power, hope, etc, consider donating. Not all kids are given this opportunity to find the one book that'll change their lives, especially in disadvantaged areas such as the one she teaches in.
Check out her page at DonorsChoose.org to read more about her students and her reading projects and donate whatever you can.
...No prophet has ever been perfect, and human error doesn't disqualify someone from receiving divine revelation. Most Latter-day Saints know this intellectually, but we still sometimes feel uncomfortable with discussing the shortcomings of revelators.
While true, something tells me that like his fellow members, dear Mr. Collins doesn't quite comprehend the extent of his beloved prophet's imperfections. I wonder how he'll react to the whole "Joseph is a philanderer who liked to fuck 15 year old girls behind his beloved wife Emma's back" chapter. Eric and I tried to swallow and digest it, but our insides just couldn't do it. It didn't chase us away completely, but it sure made us think about it and that's all it takes at first. Real gen-u-ine thought.
Also, a Sunstone symposium class (discussion? what do they call it?) circa 2009 debunked many of the feel-better apologetic myths surrounding Joseph's love for the wimminz...I mean, "celestial marriage."
Collins further writes,
The fact is, the information-saturated world in which we live simply doesn't afford the luxury of willful ignorance. At some point during our lifetimes, we will most likely be confronted with half-truths regarding our faith's history. And it's much better to understand the full context of the quote or event in question than to be blindsided by it.
In other words, censorship is bad for the soul.
Oh, Mr. Collins. I do hope you are true to your words and don't recoil at the first "ewww" you find in Bushmann's book, because you will find them. Truth, not everyone who reads this book flails into apostasy (at least not right away), but it does do a number to that brain of yrs. Because, as we well learn in childhood, ignoring it doesn't necessarily make it go away. And I can promise you, this shit won't go away. Once you've read the words, especially after initially admitting to admiring Bushmann's writing and technique, you'll always be able to recall them and they just might cause you doubt, that stuff you're not supposed to have. Which leads to more.
There is a reason members find it difficult and uncomfortable to discuss their leader's shortcomings. Especially this particular leader.
This should be interesting.
*Note: I have a difficult time calling Collins and other Mormon journalists "journalists" simply because it's an oxymormon--er, oxymoron. Especially when they write for the MormonTimes section of Deseret News. Regulated truth isn't journalism. Apologetics isn't journalism. McKay's livelihood depends on his loyalty and ability to rationalize church skeletons or at least appear as if he is to avoid losing his job and/or church discipline. Truth isn't always pretty, and lord knows the church doesn't like anything that isn't pretty. Either way, Collins seems more of an opinion writer than journalist. Which is fine. But "journalist"? Bitch, please.
If true journalism was accepted in the church, we wouldn't have had the September Six (not journalists, I understand, but people who sought after truth). We wouldn't have had Cary Crall's letter to BYU's Daily Universe censored.
So Dawn Embers just wrote of this fucked up article by a fucked up guy who has no fucking idea what he's talking about.
Have a punching bag nearby. You'll need it. Especially if you've read the books (I've only read Speakand I want to strangle this man)
That said, there is some humor to be had in this grown man's word choice. "Female parts."
Sigh.
(btw: "female parts" = her butt. yeah)
You know what pisses me off about this? The irony. This is a book about a young girl who was raped at a party and doesn't feel she has any power, even to tell her parents or her best friend about it. She has been rendered silent from her trauma.
Things that have happened to far too many young girls. (one is far too many)
I had a lesser thing happen to me that rendered me silent--which is what pissed me off about my friend's reaction to the book. She was pissed because the girl wouldn't speak. WHY DIDN'T SHE DO ANYTHING?
I swear, it makes me seethe.
These are the people who want to ban books like this. "Keep her quiet!" they say.
To make it worse (and I don't glory in pointing this out, but hell) this is a man telling her to keep quiet.
I've read Speak and nothing this man says about the storyline rings quite the same. I'll admit a certain inability to retain information when I read--but seriously. I'm looking. This shit ain't there. Not like he says it is.
He's also mad because the kids think the adults are losers. Uhm, does he remember being a teenager?
Also, it's not that graphic. It is shocking but in a way that it ought to be shocking. If it weren't shocking, something would be seriously, seriously wrong.
And besides, these stories need to be told.
I've read the book and you can bet your ass not only will my daughter read this book but so will my boys.
Why?
At the end of the book is a printed interview with the author, Laurie Halse Anderson. One of the questions is this:
Have any readers ever asked questions that shocked you?
Her answer:
I have gotten one question repeatedly from young men. These are guys who liked the book, but they are honestly confused. They ask me why Melinda was so upset about being raped.
The fuck?
She adds:
The first dozen times I heard this, I was horrified. But I heard it over and over again. I realized that many young men are not being taught the impact that sexual assault has on a woman. They are inundated by sexual imagery in the media, and often come to the (incorrect) conclusion that having sex is not a big deal. This, no doubt, is why the numbers of sexual assaults is so high.
I am also shocked by adults who feel that rape is an inappropriate topic to discuss with teenagers. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 44 percent of rape victims are under the age of 18 and 46 percent of those victims are between the ages of 12-15. It makes adults uncomfortable to acknowledge this, but our inability to speak clearly and openly about sexual issues endangers our children. It is immoral not to discuss this with them.
I can't speak to Mrs. Anderson's conclusions necessarily, but that last paragraph grabs me by the throat. Especially coming from a church that tells its young women that (A) if they are raped it's probably their fault for dressing immodestly or otherwise "asking for it" and (B) they should rather die fighting for their "virtue" than be raped.
My boys will also read it because, as I neglected to add, this shit happens to them, too, and our macho-man society isn't exactly kind to them, either.
Yes, this is an important book. The tone is expertly geared to average young adults. It took me back to high school. The main character is a good kid. Awkward, normal teenage girl.
So they try to ban it.
Ignore it and it'll stop.
If you haven't read this book, please do. Don't be turned off by the YA classification. It's important, especially if you have kids. It's important if you deal with kids.
It's just a good book. And it needs to be supported. Buy it for a friend. A niece. A nephew. Someone. You can get it used for about two dollars, plus S&H.
Don't allow fucktards like this guy to ban it, to silence the 46% of girls aged 12-15 (the age of the main character is this book) and pretend shit like this doesn't happen.
