Another SIL on the way

I feel weird about this one. Not in a bad way, but in a "why the hell weren't you excited about the last one" kind of way.

The most recent SIL is nice enough. She's naive as all get-out, but she's nice. And we all know, I wonder very much about my BIL's actual feelings about it. Those feelings aren't at all alleviated by the numerous stories I've heard of things he said even on the day of the wedding. Something doesn't feel right.

But of course, I could totally be wrong. It's not like I know that BIL that well. He lives in friggin' Utah and I rarely see him. The signs, though. Anyway. I hope I'm wrong for their sakes.

This new girl is marrying the youngest boy in the family. I love this BIL--I love all of them, but this one has a special place in my heart. When I was in labor with my youngest, he gave up his bed for me. We lived in a town an hour away but I wasn't giving up my OB/GYN for anything. So when active labor began the day before Christmas, we made our trek to my MILs house to spend the night. For two awful, contraction-filled nights BIL gave up his bed. For three days BIL voluntarily and without any asking on my part took care of my kids. I never had to raise a finger. My SIL was amazing, too, but there was something special about BIL doing this. He also had to wake up every morning around 5am (if not sooner at least once) to my false alarms. He never complained.

My only regret about BIL is the boy he was when he returned home from his mission. Complete zeal, this boy. But we had all changed, the kind of change that just intensifies it all (if that makes sense). He was a believer before but now he was completely entrenched, quoting Spencer W. Kimball (?) and others regarding the evils of "socialism" and otherwise. It was, for me, disheartening. The boy who once played Grand Theft Auto (which, in an ironic way, bothered me back then). The boy who once watched South Park (again, ironic. how could he get away with watching that?). I missed that boy, but I loved him too. I've known him since he was a chubby little eleven-year-old boy. The eleven-year-old boy who, upon seeing my husband and I hold hands for the first time in his living room, lit up and ran upstairs to tell everyone. I hope I remember that forever.

This BIL has a special place in my heart. Sometimes, when it feels like a good time, I try to bring him back. Whether he likes it or not, he still laughs when we reference South Park.

I friended his fiancee on facebook last night, and she seems so goddamn sweet I can't hardly stand it. She's SO LITTLE (young!) but so sweet. Her friends are already calling her by her almost-new last name and it brings back so many fun memories. I'm excited to meet her and afraid I'll scare her off at the same time. I'm afraid I'll fall to the wayside. My in-laws are the most amazing people, but they're believers and we're not. It makes us the default black sheep, even if they still love us and treat us just as they always have. I've always been a bit of a black sheep--being a not-so-social girl in a Mormon world, whether you're a member or not--just makes you the weird one.

They're getting married in Idaho this September. I've never been to Idaho which makes the idea of going neat, but we're not exactly rolling in the dough at the moment so we're not sure we can make it anyway. There's hope, though. My husband may get a summer teaching job, and if he does we're definitely making the trip. And though we're pretty sure everyone--with the possible exception of the remaining BILs and SIL--knows we're no longer active, the prospect of sitting in the temple foyer while they get married is a hard one to swallow. Let's also toss in the idea that DH is working on the idea of resigning this summer. So, all I can think about is the embarrassment of the foyer (an interesting emotion, I think), and then the remembrance that I did the exact same thing to my own family. Karma is a bitch, kids. At least we'll be able to help the as-yet-endowed SIL with the loads of kids.

But I want to go. There are problems involved--days to take off, the aforementioned financial issues (there's also a planned Disneyland trip this November)--but this is something we'd like to attend.


There are just so many emotions involved here, but I'm happy for them.

"Sacredness" of marriage

I know an LDS guy who is pushing 30 and is yet unmarried, a guy who recently brought a girl home for Christmas. Everyone wants this kid to marry the girl. As such, the two of them have been through a hazing. Initiation and all.

And you know, it's fun when someone you love is in a serious relationship. It's exciting.

That said, I have my thoughts about this particular guy, but I realize I could be wrong. Still. A single LDS man who hasn't (as far as I'm aware) gone on many dates and is pushing thirty...well. Flags raise.

Is that wrong? I've other hints I won't divulge here. Nothing huge, but hints.

Not that I'd care--but his family and friends and community sure as hell would.

So his family discussed his situation the other day. One declared he simply needs to "man up" and just ask the girl to marry him already. Everyone agreed. After all, he and his girlfriend are acting engaged. And they are. I guess. I suppose this is reason enough to put the ring on her finger already?

Who knows.

His father said his son has doubts, a lot of doubts. The kid knows what he needs to do, his dad said, but he's scared. It must be due to lovin' the single life, to freedom, to doing whatever he wants. Maybe it is. But maybe it's not quite that simple. After all, it's not as if he's out partying every night. He travels. He does charity work in South America. He's getting his master's degree. He works for the church. He has friends. You know?

But, his sister chimed, he loves children, and if he wants children he'd better do it now. After all, she has four children and she's only few months younger than he is. He'd better get to if he wants even one kid. If he waits too much longer, parenting will simply exhaust him. If he waits too much longer, kids will be out of the picture.

And forget children, they said. What of the marriage? All these people waiting to get married. Don't they know? The older you get the more set in your ways you become and therefore the less willing you are to compromise. "Man up" said that that's why you marry young, while you're still used to sharing with your brothers and sisters.

It's dangerous to wait until you know who you are before you marry someone because then you're an old dog who can't learn new tricks. In this situation, they reasoned, divorce is far more likely.

Nevermind that he wants to get married. Just maybe not to this girl. Maybe.

I bit my tongue throughout the conversation. So much was wrong.

If marriage is so sacred perhaps he ought to be completely certain he's ready for it. Maybe he ought to marry this girl because he wants to marry this girl. Maybe he ought to marry her because he loves her and wants to make a lifelong commitment--not simply to satisfy cultural, religious, and familial expectations.

After all, there will be kids to consider. The life of a girl he cares about. His own happiness.

His family has his best interests at heart. They want him to marry, to have children, to be happy. They think he's happy with her, that they're better when they're together. I have a feeling, though, that this girl could be any girl and his family would be foaming at the mouth for him to marry her.

Their rationale just sounded so selfish to me. The whole thing was striking given the sanctity of marriage schpeal I've heard so often over the last few years.

Some girl, any girl, JUST MARRY A GIRL.

You know?

I'm not about to say this family is completely wrong. They know him better than I do, but I have a different lens with which to view him. A lens not skewed by the church.

It just bothered me. So much for sanctity. After all, he's running outta time. For god's sake, soon enough he'll be part of the "Single Adult" group--*shiver*

Isn't that reason enough?

Thoughts?

Dr. Laura, go to hell

So I grew up on Dr. Laura and Rush Limbaugh and all of that. My stepdad lurved these people. I never took it upon myself to listen to them on my own until, oooooh, seven years ago? Maybe eight?

I was a default conservative (didn't understand what it meant, but the "tough love/family values" crap got to me). I came from a proud conservative family. From a proud conservative part of the state. I was raised on these values. Taught that everyone who was on welfare was a lazy sumuvabitch and panhandlers were only looking for drug or booze money.

Obvs.

Later I joined a very conservative church. To make everyone happy, I voted yes on Prop 22 (Prop 8's predecessor) in 2000. I was 18, new in the church, and looking to make my mom happy regarding something about the church. I certainly don't recall much, but I knew the church was against gay marriage. And so was my mom. WIN. I don't think I had any thoughts beyond that.

But anyway.

Now I'm not a total conservative hater. I can see where they're coming from, even if it is often lame. Hell, I lived it. And I do think we need both conservative and liberal people in the world. I just happen to think we need more liberals at this time ;)

So I went through a little Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura phase. I thought Rush was hilarious. Totally over the top. Nobody can be that bad. It was like listening to a caricature. I also thought it was funny when he would play "dude looks like a lady" whenever Hillary Clinton popped up.

Funny shit, right?

I bought into his (and Dr. Laura's) crap about feminism. I thought feminists were kidding themselves a little bit--lookit the girls vying for male positions. Do they want to be male?

I'm not proud, but there it is.

Then there was Dr. Laura. I thought she was pretty spot on. I loved it when she went apeshit on some of her "idiotic" callers.

YES! Be a good girl, not a slut. Don't "shack up"--why buy the cow when the milk is for free?

HAHAHAHAHA!

Then, and especially, there was her tirade about how ALL men were ignored and treated badly by their feminazi girlfriends and other women.

I bought it. As Eric and I were having some issues, I thought perhaps it was my fault. And I'll admit I still have those lingering thoughts that it was all me. That something was wrong with me.

But maybe I'll get into that later. Maybe. It's a little personal and while I can be rather open, I do have my boundaries.

So Dr. Laura starts promoting her book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."

Apparently "Proper Care and Feeding for Wives" was unnecessary because husbands always treat their wives like queens. All good husbands, at least. And if he's not a good husband it's obvs his wife's fault for not feeding him sandwiches, greeting him at the door with a kiss at the end of the day and then giving him a good fuck.

At least she had enough sense to be against abusive husbands. I'll give her that.

Anyway, genuinely good husbands do treat their wives well, but not all the time, right? Especially young husbands. We all screw up, wives and husbands. But women moreso because of those damned feminists. Hence the no need for the Proper Care and Feeding of Wives.

I thought I was treating my husband badly, so I wanted this book to help set me straight.

I mentioned this to my husband. I wanted to be a good wife. So he buys it for me for Christmas. I was happy to have the book, but extremely embarrassed that he stepped into a bookstore and bought the damn thing. I didn't want him to look like a man who needed to set his wife straight. I worried he thought I was a bad wife. That said, he did it because I'd said I wanted it. It wasn't because he--well, I hope it wasn't because he felt I needed it. That's something I'm still afraid of. Even if he swore up and down it wasn't. Which is what he has done.

Maybe. He tells me now that it used to bother him when I wouldn't act like the wife the church had promised him growing up. He likes it now, but admits it used to bug him lots. Though he never exerted his church-given authority that I can remember (maybe except for the time that he--very kindly--suggested that he choose whom to pray in our home). He's angry he ever felt the right and need to be the priesthood presiding member in our relationship. I mean, I covenanted to "hearken" unto him as he "hearkened" unto God, right? He was the man. The ultimate authority. He knew my new name and would be the one to take me to the Celestial Kingdom. The Man.

So I got this Proper Care book and immediately began to read it. It said men were simple. They only wanted/needed sandwiches and sex, and that I should put out whenever he wanted it to make him feel good.

Now Eric wanted sex all the time and I didn't. And he did say it was a matter of validating him, but it's sex, you know? It's still personal, even if you're married to your best friend. It's still my body. My feelings. So this was an issue.

(oh dangit, I forgot: my body is his and his body is mine)

And not that there isn't something to be said about putting out when you're not totally into it sometimes --sometimes you get into it as you go. I have also learned that good sex is fantastic for getting rid of tension headaches. No aspirin required, girls. Just a good lay.

But all the time? It's cute and fun as newly weds, but goddamn. Gotta sleep sometime. And after kids? When he works full time and goes to school full time? Dream on.

So anyway, Dr. Laura's book added some serious unnecessary guilt into my life. What's worse is I allowed it. I allowed her to validate my feelings that I was a bad wife. A disappointment.

Bad Lisa! Go mop the floor and look pretty for your hard working husband! MAKE HIM SANDWICHES! Then get nekkid and make sure he gets off good, no matter how you feel about it. It's your duty as his wife. And if you do your job (with a smile) he'll then treat you right. As it should be.

Reminds me of some so-called gospel principles. I'll have to explore that later.

So it is with great peace of mind that I can say fuck off, Dr. Laura.

After a while, and I don't remember why exactly, I stopped listening to her. I told Eric that the book made me feel like shit and that I didn't like that he bought it and that I wanted to throw it away. It took me a while to actually do it, though. Guilt and all. I'm good at that.

I don't remember when I stopped listening to this radio station, but I'd largely forgotten about her. Felt a lot better.

Then I hear about her racist rant on her radio show this past week. She went crazy over this woman who was involved in an interracial marriage and was dealing with racist in-laws.

Dr. Laura told her that she should have a sense of humor about it and that if she couldn't, she shouldn't have married outside her race. And why can't she say the n-word when black people say it all the time? TOTALLY UNFAIR!

But that's not all. And I'm not even talking about the repetition (11x) of the n-word. That was the least of her problems, given the context.

So now Dr. Laura has announced the end of her radio show...

"to regain her first amendment rights."

That, right there, is enough reason to disregard everything she's ever said. If she can't understand that her rights were never taken away and that the right to freedom of speech isn't exclusive to her, then...well.

I don't think I need to say much more than that.