Santorum. And other things.

As soon as I can get my ass in gear I plan to post on my ever evolving views on what marriage ought to be. In other words, not what the LSD church teaches you it is. Perfect perfect must be perfect everything must be perfect and god forbid you ever disagree or argue or anything.

You get the fucking idea. I've done so much thinking about it. Eric and I get along and we're best friends in a lot of ways, but there are secrets--at least on my end.

I'm just...finals. I've so much re-reading to do, revising, self-quizzing, bullshit like that. Next Wednesday I'll be free. For the most part.

But for today, do me a favor. Allow me a moment of total immaturity. Today I will be 12-years-old. I was already told this was "old news" but I didn't know. Not until Jon Stewart told me! (I get my news from Jon Stewart)

Google "Santorum" for me. Or, I guess, lemme do it for you.

Not "Rick Santorum"--just "Santorum."

Yes, he's a Republican which makes it all the more giggly.

Doesn't help that his name rhymes with Dick.


Oh! Okay. Real quick. So I went to my daughter's class today to bring her class birthday cupcakes. While they're outside eating them, one particularly chatty and very chill little girl looks at me and says, "You're supposed to be in my church, aren't you? But you don't come."

"Nope," I said.

So fun to have little girls who inadvertently spread teh guilt. I'm not worried about myself, but the kids. Just what they need. "Uhm..." There are so many mormons at this school, in this city--she's been asked this question and variations on it so often this year. Her best friend asks too, especially once our names were read in what-would-be our new ward. "Why don't you come?"

You think she knows? No. Because we're not sure how to say "because it's all bullshit" without passing on the message that her family and friends are ridiculous.

Although one time I did lose it a little bit in a surprising fit of "because church [any church] makes mommy and daddy feel icky and unhappy and bad about ourselves." Which isn't the entire reason, but a big one.

Which leads me to our local Methodist church sign: In order to make God greater, you have to be less.

O_o?

Come to Institute, meat a chick.

I've bugged a few very kind and patient folks with my commentary regarding the new video I heard of regarding Tommy Monson's plea for young adults to attend institute.

...except for you fine people. And so I ask you to please follow along with me. The first video (that's right, there's two) is entitled "I've got to get to Institute" and is embedded above.

It's an unbelievably campy fun video! Low budget from the folks who bring you $4 billion dollar malls!

This vid begins with the viewer groaning in annoyance as a super-sexy boy sleeps in bed with a really annoying background noise you soon realize is his clock ticking (biological clock, perhaps?). You won't realize this until his alarm goes off and the dude wakes up, looks at it, and says "oh no!" and falls out of bed like he's totes slept in and is late for class.

Hi, stupid LDS actor guy? You didn't sleep in. Your alarm went off. The appropriate response to your alarm going off when you don't wanna wake up is "goddammit" or "gosh darn it." And please reset your alarm for an earlier time if this is an issue.

Anyways, so he smells the jacket on his bed because college guys are gross and wear gross hoodies over their pjs every day, especially when they sleep in 'till 9:40am. They also eat pizza left out on the counter (don't they know that pizza left out that long has tons of bacteria on it?) because OMG THESE ARE FER REALZ COLLEGE STUDENTS, JUST LIKE ME!

Cut to hallway scene where said guy runs into his really nerdy and untalented actor friends who stop him and tell him about their awesome new video games and invite him over to play!

Cue end-of-the-world-satan-wants-you music.

The John Bytheway wannabe then beeps at him to remind him he really ought to be at Institute. CTR, guy!

But our main character wants to have a little fun! Geez!

John Bytheway agrees, there's nothing wrong with a little fun. Yeah, I say. What's wrong with having a little bit of fun?

WAIT A MINUTE. Video games are not fun. Whatever happened to the old '80s video where the hot chicks with big blonde hair wearing shoulder pads give him the ol' eye and invite him to a non-mo party? That's fun.

But Mr. RM doesn't know about this whole "institute thing." Mahana, you ugly, he says.

But he needs Institute! and Institute needs him! It's symbiotic! There's no time for fun--besides, Institute is fun! And if that doesn't work, John Bytheway bribes him with what he calls "a bonus."

A bonus, huh? Well, since you say that...

The bonus comes in the form of a tall, blonde and pretty Utah Girl. They know each others names. Jared and Erica. I can see it inscribed on napkins already, the ones their reception guests can wipe their chins of the jello and carrot mold with.

The teacher then asks Jared if he might say the opening prayer, and he (like a good boy) agrees. The next few minutes are filled with scenes of all the kids learning and discussing things found in the scriptures.

WAIT A MINUTE! Did you all see that? THERE'S YOUR TOKEN BLACK GIRL TALKING! See, the church isn't racist!

Cut back to the main character. "I'm really feeling the spirit now," he says. "That must be that bonus I was promised."

I guess "spirit" is another word for throbbing erection?

And OMG she asked him if he was going to the Institute activity that night. SHE TOTALLY WANTS TO MARRY HIM!

Cue knowing smile that usually means "i'm getting some tonight" but in this instance means "I might get to hold her hand tonight."


And now, the second video:




This little ditty entitled "Institute Changes You" begins with this crazy condescending monologue about how awesome it is to graduate high school and how scary it is because you're now "independent" (i use this word lightly, it is speaking to mormons, after all) and have to make decisions. Where do you find stability? Why, in church! Make sure you keep in touch with other LDS kids because other people are evil and scary and LDS kids are never bad.

Besides, you can totes marry one of these people! And isn't that the most important thing?

Also, you can be yourself here

(or not).

And if the prospect of marriage doesn't grab you by the throat, the promise of free food should. Except for when you have to pay for it--I mean, donate a few bucks. We won't mention this is in addition to the tithing "donation" requisite for full salvation. We just say "free food" because, as the video reminds you, aren't college kids, like, poor?

Oh shit, there's something wrong with that. Never mind that. The serious part of Institute is the "spiritual nourishment" you'll find there. But we'll get to that in a minute.

The real world is super-duper scary. You can't make it without having church all around you, all the time.


I'm totally going to Institute now.

Evolved Views

I wrote "it's interesting how your views change" or something to that effect, but it isn't. It's expected. I just find it interesting how shocking it can be when you realize specifics.

So this is more evidence of my evolving moral views. I know this is kind of the argument made by conservative religions: "Leave the church/denounce god and you will make immoral choices."

Well, I suppose it's down to definitions again. My definition of "immoral" has changed, theirs hasn't. Thus, I run the risk of committing immorality. Truth can be peskily subjective this way. Just don't tell them that.

Anyway, so we're watching Dr. Oz (don't judge! he's fantastic entertainment) and they begin talking about the HPV vaccination. For the first time I think "Yeah, we should probably get Abbie vaccinated once she's old enough."

!!

In many religious environments, this vaccination, given to girls I believe as young as eleven (nine?), is perceived as permission to go out and fuck someone ASAP. If I'm not mistaken, many feminist groups saw the opposition to this recommendation as misogynistic, but let's be real here. The same religious groups feel the exact same way about handing condoms out to boys. I think they'd freak out just as much if a doctor or school handed them out at the age of nine to eleven.

It's a huge quandary for those riding the line. My mom certainly felt it. I remember being privy for some strange reason to a conversation between her and my aunt regarding my brother and whether or not my mom should provide him with condoms. She was really concerned, having decided that he was going to fuck at first chance--which, you know, he might have. But he and I received a cacophony of views on whether or not this was okay. I received two talks: "Wait until marriage" and "Come talk to me when you think you're ready."

She didn't know what she believed as far as this goes. She probably wavered from "premarital sex is wrong" and "dudes, it's reality. face it." Understandable. For this I don't blame her for giving us conflicting views. Even semi-religious folks are caught fighting with what is "right" and what to do about it. They don't know, either. Religion has a huge hold on even passive believers.

Mom also flipped the fuck out every time she thought someone liked me or my brother. Like, even if we were in kindergarten. "WHO KISSED MY BOY?!" I have half a page ripped out of my sixth grade yearbook because an eighth grader proclaimed his crush on me and my mom did *not* like it. To make her feel better, I ripped it out. I wish I wouldn't have now.

So as kids we had no clue what was considered okay and what was not. As far as I know, my brother and I both erred on the side of "wait." I wasn't ready anyways to go quite that far until after high school. And I REALLY didn't want to discuss it with the woman who freaked out over an innocent and entirely flattering yearbook message from a boy I wasn't even attracted to and never, ever saw again.

But I digress. Surprise.

So the dilemma of "do I give him the condoms so he'll be safe or will he view the condoms as permission to screw?" is the same as "do I give her the vaccine so she'll be safer or is doing so permission to have sex?"

Y'all, that's a false dichotomy. Kids of age generally don't do because you give them permission to.

"Gee Mom said I could have sex! Let's go!"

It's a lot different in the religious world, as most if not all of us know, however. It's the whole "abstinence only" schtick that doesn't work. See: Bristol Palin. Also the girls I know who became pregnant at the age of 16 despite religious upbringing. I'm not alone in knowing these girls.

Also, the argument that "abstinence is the safest form of sex" is bullshit. It was even on "The Office" this past week. Andy, attempting to get insight on his ex's sex life, asked "What's the safest form of sex?...No, no! It's abstinence. Who here practices abstinence?"

Darryl responded "Dude. That's like saying the only safe way to ski is to not ski."

Yeah. It doesn't fly. Abstinence isn't sex. Not skiing isn't skiing.

Again, I digress.

As a person who now strongly believes in sex education and understands that my kids may understandably decide to hit home base before they're married, I want them to have all the tools with them to make sure it's not something that'll end up hurting them more than it has to. Obviously we can't ensure 100% they'll be "safe" but we can talk with them and provide them with information that'll empower them. It'll also be a better method than "just don't. it's wrong. it's no better than murdering someone. just...just don't."

So, yeah. My kid will get the vaccination. My boys will get condoms at some point. We'll talk to them about being ready for it and peer pressure, provide them with a stable, supportive and open atmosphere and all that shit, but there's a point where we just have to let go and allow them to make their own, albeit limited by virtue of maturity, informed decisions.

Still can't believe I hadn't thought of the vaccination thing until now.

Et tu?

Where DO you like it?

Y'all, this "where i put my purse but i'm gonna make it sound naughty" thing isn't really all that interesting. Let's just be forthright.

Where do you like it?

And by "it" I do mean sex.

I dig the shower, but let's be realistic here, when your shower barely makes enough room for one person, let alone two, it's a bit difficult. Gonna fix that one day.

There's the couch, lazyboy. No experience with tables yet. It does seem a bit icky, but there are ways around that. Not really into the floor scene.

Hot tub/jacuzzi.

I've always kind of liked the idea of doing it outside. In a rainstorm.

Okay, your turn. Even if its only been fantasy, let's get inappropriate.

Lust: In Honor of Boyd K Packer

First, I'm totally disappointed that I couldn't watch Conference now that I'm hearing all the bullshit. Maybe it's a good thing, though. I can only take so much and it seems the breath-ren are doling it out in spades.

So I started this last night and felt a bit hesitant to post it. But you know, following Boy-I'd-love-to-Kick-Packer's talk, I thought I should post about people I've lusted after over the years to one degree or another. Men and women. So suck on that, asshole. It's not a fucking choice who you're attracted to.

But you know that.

Wink.

Yes, I know. "But it totally is who you choose to be with."

Happiness is only a choice insofar as you are happy with your choice, motherfucker. But this isn't about happiness, is it?

Anyway.

You should know this: I have always had a weird thing for blonde men (dammit, spell check! it is spelled BLONDE). It's something I didn't realize until a few years ago. I've dated men with dark brown hair, but in the end it's the blonde boys. It always confused me that I ended up marrying a man with dark brown hair...until I discovered he had blonde hair as a kid. SO CUTE.

So here are my progression of celebrity loves. I don't understand one or two of them, but y'know. Kids.

Brad Pitt, Circa 1995...ish.

Good, god! What was I thinking? He's so much sexier now. EVEN THEN when he had short hair. And I'm not even thinking about his character, I mean, who gives a fuck, right? Well, haha. Anyways. There were many other great pics of him before and after this time, but I had a pic more similar to this one up on my wall. He had dreads, though. I don't get it.

Maybe it was the hair color. STILL!

But shiiit. Brad and Angelina?

Are you kidding me?

I know many straight women who'd totally hit that, let alone bisexual women. I would. Though I hear the kids these days get all hot and bothered over Megan Fox. But, y'know, I'm already taken by Angie here. The pout! Good god!


So, then there's Jordan Catalano...er, whatshisname. Who cares.

Oh! My 14-year-old self swoons!


Then of course, there's Mr. Depp:

I don't think much of Johnny now, but he was my 8th grade research project (1994?). Look at that face! He's all gaunt now. :(


More recent:
Jaammmes. You were the only hot thing about Twilight, and while I realize that's not saying much, I'm still saying it.

He is a little pasty, though. Not really my thing. But I suppose that's what you get with blonde boys.


Alexander. Yes, I would call you that. But Eric works, too. Obvs. Then again, we don't have to talk. Just make noises.

I don't know what it is about this man, but my god. He is a little on the skinny side for me, but his eyes. The way he growls. My god.


There are and have been others throughout the years. I've already brought up Angelina.

Tori Amos, anyone?


omg. Do any of you know how amazing this woman is? I've loved her since...well, around 1995, if not slightly earlier. A guy who hung out at my stepdad's shop introduced me to Tori. He had a big thing for her and soon I was just--you know, like you look up to your big, super-cool sister. I think. Not entirely sure. But she is the reason I love female red heads. They are something fiercely awesome.

(yesyes I know she isn't a natural ginger, but whatever. it works well for her)

Anyway, first girl crush--though I kind of hesitate to say even that. It must have been some kind of attraction, because I was at the same period of time a HUUUUGE Alanis Morissette fan (had my own semi-successful website), but I wasn't, like, all over Alanis either. I don't know what the distinction is. Tori taught me a bit about sexuality--my own and of others--what was okay, whatever. Fucking amazing music. If you haven't heard her, lemme know. I've plenty to recommend.

Also, while we've got Alexander Skarsgard on the mind:

I didn't know she used to be a brunette! (you have to look 'em up. this was a pic i liked the most and thought most people would recognize)

So pretty. I don't know what I think of her acting in True Blood, but there *is* something about the gap in her front teeth. I didn't like it much at first, but it's cute.

ONE MORE.

Evanescence's Amy Lee (quick aside: I DID NOT KNOW about the eyebrow piercing! Woo!)

But seriously--gorgeous. And awesome. Did you see her eyes?

I love eyes.

And pouts. Jesus.

Banned Books Week: Speak

So Dawn Embers just wrote of this fucked up article by a fucked up guy who has no fucking idea what he's talking about.

Have a punching bag nearby. You'll need it. Especially if you've read the books (I've only read Speak and I want to strangle this man)

That said, there is some humor to be had in this grown man's word choice. "Female parts."

Sigh.

(btw: "female parts" = her butt. yeah)

You know what pisses me off about this? The irony. This is a book about a young girl who was raped at a party and doesn't feel she has any power, even to tell her parents or her best friend about it. She has been rendered silent from her trauma.

Things that have happened to far too many young girls. (one is far too many)

I had a lesser thing happen to me that rendered me silent--which is what pissed me off about my friend's reaction to the book. She was pissed because the girl wouldn't speak. WHY DIDN'T SHE DO ANYTHING?

I swear, it makes me seethe.

These are the people who want to ban books like this. "Keep her quiet!" they say.

To make it worse (and I don't glory in pointing this out, but hell) this is a man telling her to keep quiet.

I've read Speak and nothing this man says about the storyline rings quite the same. I'll admit a certain inability to retain information when I read--but seriously. I'm looking. This shit ain't there. Not like he says it is.

He's also mad because the kids think the adults are losers. Uhm, does he remember being a teenager?

Also, it's not that graphic. It is shocking but in a way that it ought to be shocking. If it weren't shocking, something would be seriously, seriously wrong.

And besides, these stories need to be told.

I've read the book and you can bet your ass not only will my daughter read this book but so will my boys.

Why?

At the end of the book is a printed interview with the author, Laurie Halse Anderson. One of the questions is this:

Have any readers ever asked questions that shocked you?

Her answer:

I have gotten one question repeatedly from young men. These are guys who liked the book, but they are honestly confused. They ask me why Melinda was so upset about being raped.

The fuck?

She adds:

The first dozen times I heard this, I was horrified. But I heard it over and over again. I realized that many young men are not being taught the impact that sexual assault has on a woman. They are inundated by sexual imagery in the media, and often come to the (incorrect) conclusion that having sex is not a big deal. This, no doubt, is why the numbers of sexual assaults is so high.

I am also shocked by adults who feel that rape is an inappropriate topic to discuss with teenagers. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 44 percent of rape victims are under the age of 18 and 46 percent of those victims are between the ages of 12-15. It makes adults uncomfortable to acknowledge this, but our inability to speak clearly and openly about sexual issues endangers our children. It is immoral not to discuss this with them.

I can't speak to Mrs. Anderson's conclusions necessarily, but that last paragraph grabs me by the throat. Especially coming from a church that tells its young women that (A) if they are raped it's probably their fault for dressing immodestly or otherwise "asking for it" and (B) they should rather die fighting for their "virtue" than be raped.

My boys will also read it because, as I neglected to add, this shit happens to them, too, and our macho-man society isn't exactly kind to them, either.

Yes, this is an important book. The tone is expertly geared to average young adults. It took me back to high school. The main character is a good kid. Awkward, normal teenage girl.

So they try to ban it.

Ignore it and it'll stop.

If you haven't read this book, please do. Don't be turned off by the YA classification. It's important, especially if you have kids. It's important if you deal with kids.

It's just a good book. And it needs to be supported. Buy it for a friend. A niece. A nephew. Someone. You can get it used for about two dollars, plus S&H.

Don't allow fucktards like this guy to ban it, to silence the 46% of girls aged 12-15 (the age of the main character is this book) and pretend shit like this doesn't happen.

Because, obvs, abstinence-only solves everything.

Teh Gays: Making Life Hard

Pun totally intended.

So I ran across this article at Jezebel.com and began to think. It's a thought I've had before, but I figured maybe some of you would appreciate it and maybe give feedback.

This whole gay thing, yeah? Teh gays. Ruining everything. Trying to even take our marriage. And not even that! What about their deal with bending God-given GENDER ROLES.

I mean, haven't they read the Proclamation on the Family?

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose...By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

HEL-LO.

Like someone I know said recently, "It's okay to be a boy."

You know, boy. Rough-housing, pants-wearing, rambunctious, sports-playing boy. No sissy stuff. It's okay, just in case you were concerned it wasn't. Because apparently society at large is beginning to say it isn't.

So we had this whole discussion one day in the kitchen of a loved one's home about gender and that was said. Among some other, similar things. Boys are boys and girls are girls. Blue and pink. Guns and dolls. Pants and dresses. Barbies and Spiderman.

It's so easy. But our "progressive" (socialist!) society wants to make it so weird and complicated.

Anyway, I almost--I was a good girl, this was family, they think I'm weird enough--said "There are theories that state gender is fluid."

Oh god, could you imagine?

Anyway, so I'm thinking about this whole gender role thing and how the church applies it to homosexuality (sorry, "SSA").

First, it's two people of the same gender, which is so not what the (current) definition of marriage is.

Second, gay people can't procreate, so obvs they shouldn't get married. But they are having sex. Which is wrong. Obvs. It's not even real sex.

Third, uhm, Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.

Something about Sodom and Gomorrah (so convenient when you don't actually read the story critically)

Paul--Paul said something didn't he? Lovers of themselves? Men lying with other men? I dunno. I thought that was supposed to be about masturbation. Or selfishness. Or something. Whatever interpretation works for the current argument.

And something in Leviticus among stoning women and other such Biblical things.

Ahem. Gender.

So it's much easier to just say "boys" and "girls," yeah? Girls get their own bathroom/locker rooms, boys get their own. You have dorms--BYU notably--where co-ed living is forbidden. In the mission field, boys stick with boys and girls with girls. Elders are not permitted to proselytize with Sisters and Sisters with Elders. Elders are not permitted to visit with a single sister. Same with home teachers. Hell--married people are strongly discouraged from even having friends of the opposite sex.

And why?

Because we don't want any sexy shit going down before marriage. Or outside of marriage.

And here's where teh gays come in (and even more sneakily, teh bisexuals):

Many people, at least in my experience, seem to think homosexuals cannot control themselves. They must have teh sex with anyone warm and breathing, straight or not. This can include children and your little dog, too! So desperate and backwards and evil, teh gays are.

Straight men and women dress in their specified rooms with those of their same gender because nothing weird is going to happen. Other guys won't check out other guys. Women too. There is less of a chance for sexy shit to go down. Less of a chance for sexual harassment.

Clean and simple. Safe. Neat. And celibate. Pure. You know. I mean, it's bad enough to get nekkid around anyone, but sometimes you just gotta. I mean, even back in the day the MTC had open showers. But who's to worry, you know? Just a bunch of guys or just a bunch of girls. Nothing's gonna happen.

Slumber parties, too. Keep 'em contained to girls or boys only and no sexy shit will go down. Probably.

Teh gays ruin all of this. And people would prefer, as illustrated by "don't ask don't tell," to remain ignorant. Because obvs once someone outs themselves, it opens the floodgates for sexy shit to go down.

"Oh, you're a lesbian? I've always wanted to try that, you know. Experiment."

Wink.

"You're gay? So am I. Wanna visit my bunk tonight?"

Nobody wants that.

It goes beyond people being "uncomfortable," which is crap anyway. Heaven forbid somebody's sexuality make you uncomfortable. Heaven forbid you be uncomfortable period!

It's in the Constitution!...somewhere, I'm sure of it.

But is it any different than when a man catcalls a woman and makes her uncomfortable? Not so much. Boys will be boys after all.

Being of African, Native American or of Japanese descent used to make people uncomfortable, too, but most of us have gotten over that. Or so we like to think. You can add Mexican and Muslim (also those of Middle Eastern and East Indian descent) to the list. Anything other than Christian, too, but that's not race. Still, uncomfortable.

If they're not white, they're not right. If they're gay, stay the fuck away.

It's not just the LDS church that enjoys a black and white view of the world. Much of society likes things in their little, pretty, predictable boxes. We don't like to think of girls who like boy things (I was a HUGE tomboy as a kid and still remember an Oprah show where she thought tomboy indicated a future lesbian--from the tone of the show, I thought that might be a bad thing, generalization aside). But even that is ok-ay. As long as they grow out of it.

We REALLY don't like to think of boys who like girl things. Heaven. Fucking. Forbid.

So when we speak of things such as gender fluidity, sexual fluidity, it threatens those who are afraid and don't know any better. Insecure people.

While watching the movie Milk, I was struck by Harvey Milk's idea to encourage every queer boy and girl to come out to his or her family as to destigmatize the gay community. To show straight people that they're not animals. But that is asking a hell of a lot for a hell of a lot of people.

My step-FIL was part of the gay police at BYU back in the day, charged with keeping an eye out for any suspected gay people. Thankfully that doesn't go on anymore (?).

Anyway, once we make gays as regular as anybody else, as accepted, then we have to worry about sex more. What if Susie's best friend is a lesbian and they "experiment" while alone in Susie's room? I mean it's one thing to have a rule to keep a boy out of Susie's room, but what about her female best friend? CAN WE TRUST NOBODY ANYMORE?

What if Elder-so-and-so is gay and gets hard over his companion?

If we can't keep them away (and we can't, they're so goddamn stubborn with their Pride parade and all), we ought to at least silence them. Shame them. Guilt them. Tell them they're bad and their attractions are, if not sinful, potentially sinful. They are defected. It's a cross to bear. We'll kick them out from our families, our homes. We won't recognize their partners. We'll use sanitized terms such as SSA (Same Sex Attracted) instead of gay, lesbian, bisexual. HUMAN BEINGS equal in worth to straight people. We don't define straight people by their orientation (they're normal, after all), but we sure as hell define gay people by their orientation. We don't understand them and we sure as hell don't want to.

If anything else, let's just keep them quiet. Don't ask, don't tell. Ignorance is bliss.

Or, in the case of the Jezebel article I mentioned, make them out themselves to their roomies just in case somebody else might think they'll be jumped in the middle of the night.

Because straight people are never aggressive.

Besides, even if they are, it's okay. Especially if its a boy. They can't help themselves, either. But since they're straight, it's totes okay.

And if not okay, at least understood.