"What is THIS?"

The other week, my husband threw his temple clothes on our bedroom floor so he could use the bag for something better.

It takes him a while for some of this stuff. Then again, I think I still have mine. Not because I'm attached, but it's like a bad souvenir. I don't know how to explain it.

ANYWAY, my daughter comes out of the room a few days later with the apron wrapped around her waist. She's staring at the thing like it's completely foreign.

"What is this?!" she asks.


I died laughing. I don't remember what I told her. We try to be respectful but not entirely--don't need her thinking badly of her family, but you know. It is weird. I think most members would admit that if they felt no one else would hear them.


Story 2.

The other day a woman joined an ex-mormon facebook group* who had a last name I'm SO FAMILIAR with. It's Squeaky's last name. Remembering stories about how all people with this last name are related, I told her "you are legion in my town." Turns out, her husband is Squeaky's husband's cousin. I even knew her husband--kinda--had heard of him.

They LEFT THE CHURCH four weeks ago. Like, right away--no process, just "omg, we're outta here." Tossed the garments. Told most everyone. Her in-laws wrote them a letter, calling them to repentance for the sin they obviously committed. She's already lost friends.

I never would've guessed this guy would leave the church, just by virtue of his name and family--they're ridiculous in the church, but then again so many of them are leaving right now. Of course, this particular couple lives in Oklahoma now and not California--so that sucks--but still, it was validating.

It was validating. I don't know how to explain that. It's not that I questioned myself, but it's nice to have someone a little closer to home who's going through the same thing.

Something seriously offended her. I know that's a bad word to use, but she discovered something bad enough to shake her from her TBM-ness. And not only her family, but two or three other families in her WARD. All at once, they've left.

NOT ONLY THAT, but a temple president from their stake had left a few years before. A temple-fucking-president. He prefers to remain low-profile, but apparently he ran into some serious incongruities and wrote a few letters to the First Presidency. They initially went ignored, but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. A Seventy finally wrote a letter back, basically telling him to forget about the truths he discovered.

A. temple. president. I respect his wishes to remain under the radar, but could you imagine if he went public? It would be amazing. Some discussion is online, but the story in its entirety remains unpublicized.




*this group is secret and won't show up in any searches, and it's a bit of an effort to get in if the admin doesn't already know you--they're very careful about keeping things safe for apostates and free of trolls. if you're interested in joining, lemme know. i'll see what i can do to hook you up.

My Patriarchal Blessing

Here you go, folks. I keep meaning to post this but forget to. I'm going to leave out the first paragraph, you know. So-and-so, in the name of Jesus Christ, blahblahblah. This was given in September 2000.

I will admit, also, that I'm slightly afraid someone here is going to be "this isn't that stupid. it made you cry and really angry? dunno why." but it did.

This is also word for word. Spelling, grammar, all of that. One thing I can't bring myself to do is add in the double spaces after every period--can't blame the lady who did that. She's older and that used to be the rule, one I know personally to be a very difficult one to get over.

And now...

This blessing shall be unto you the mind and will of the Lord concerning His love for you, and your membership in His church.

Now, dear daughter, you are special unto your Heavenly Father. While you lived with Him in your pre-earth life, you lived among the noble and the great. You prepared yourself for mortality. You were schooled by your Elder Brother in the great plan He presented at the council, to come to this earth and have the opportunity to work out your salvation, then return and live with Him. Now, in your pre-earth life, you were valiant and faithful. You were of the believing blood. You accepted your Savior, and the great plan. You were expedient in encouraging and fostering others to do likewise. As you were schooled and trained there, you became knowledgable and desired to serve the Lord in many capacities. You were fore-ordained, blessed, and given certain talents there. Among the gifts you were given was the power and gift of discernment. Remember, dear daughter, that this gift is yours, and you will always know the truth. You were always be able to discern one from the other. Follow that which is good, and do the things which will enable this gift to bring blessings into your life, above and beyond measure. You were also given the talent of faith. It has been prescribed to you as one of your valuable talents. It will lead you in the direction the Lord wants you to go.


Now, dear daughter, you were one of the noble and great ones. You were chosen before you were born to the House of Israel. You are a daughter of Sarah. You will receive your blessings from Ephraim. He who was called by the Lord to preside over the Priesthood in these latterdays. This is your right and claim to Abrahams blessings. it is your right and claim to the Celestial Kingdom of God if you will but keep His commandments, and weave into every fiber of your being the eternal truths that have been disclosed unto you. Also other truths that will be disclosed to you as time goes on. You are a daughter of God, and He loves and cares for you. He wants you to be happy here, and when this life is over, He wants you to return and live with Him in the great Celestial Kingdom among the Gods.


Dear daughter, you are choice and special. Insomuch that you have been singled out, and have escaped the pollutions of the world because of your testimony, and have joined His only true church, lean upon the Lord. He loves you, He will not leave you comfortless. He will come unto you, and give you answer to your prayers. He will bless you in times of need with a guiding hand. His counsel for you is; gain an added testimony and knowledge of the Gospel. Do this by reading from the Book of Mormon. Make the blessings of the Prophets yours, that you might be spared from the sins of this generation through studying the Book of Mormon. Remember always that he loves and cares for you. He will give you answer to your prayers. The answers will come by your thinking out your problems, then presenting them to the Lord. As you ask Him which is right and what you should do to solve your problem, your bosom will burn, and you will know that He is your God. That He is your Savior, and Redeemer. That He is the Holy One of Israel, your Elder Brother, Jesus the Christ.


Now, keep the commandments, seek good company. As you go to school, live and keep your standards. Don't let them be lowered at any time for some momentary pleasure. If you will do this, God will honor your requests, and make you a great spiritual leader in His kingdom. You will truly be a daughter of Sarah, and a daughter of Rachael. You will become like all the chosen of Israel.


Now be patient and kind to your folks. They might not see things as you do, but set and example for them. You will find that these things will change. Always be found doing the things you should be doing at the right time, that His spirit might be with you, that you can be a missionary in the service of His kingdom, bringing many friends into the church. I bless you to this end, dear daughter, and say unto you; the Lord loves you. You are special unto Him. He will reveal His secrets unto you in the hour you will need them. You will become mighty in His church, insomuch that you will become a mother of righteousness and truth. When you seek out your companionship, seek for someone who will be able to take you to the Holy House of the Lord, where the blessings of the Temple will be bestowed upon you. You will have the great Celestial Marriage the Lord wants you to have. He will bless you with kind and loving children. He will bless you if you seek for it, a companion who can stand upon the principles of truth that you do. take nothing less than this, dear daughter. For these are the valuable things in life. They are the things that will take you back to your great Heavenly Home as you sojourn here in mortality. Always remember who you are. That you are a daughter of God, that He has sent you here. That He cares for you. So stand close to Him, and be in remembrance of Him for the things you will need help and guidance in. For you will receive His help in the hour you need it.


Now, Heavenly Father, bless this thy daughter. Bless her in all the things she might stand in need of. Bless her with health, strength, and wisdom, that she might have the power of discernment, that she will be lead down the paths of truth and righteousness. that she will bea ble to return unto thee, along with her love one's to the great Heavenly Home that thou has prepared for those who love thee.


Heavenly Father, I seal this special daughter of thine, up unto thee, that she might be protected from the sins of this world. That she might know thee, "the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou has sent." That she might be caught up when thou cometh, which will be soon, to reign among the Lord of Lord's, that she will be caught up in the clouds of heaven to meet all the resurrected Saints. To be there with all who choose to live after thy pattern, to become like thee. May she be an inheritor, and live among the Kings and Queens of heaven. May this lot befall her. May she seek after these things and take nothing short of this great honor. Heavenly Father, we bless this daughter with all the things she might stand in need of. May thy attending Angels look after her. That she might live close unto thee. Bless her, and make her the promise, if she will keep thy commandments, she will be a mother of truth and righteousness, that thy blessings will follow her. I make her these promises, Heavenly Father, and say unto her; be faithful, keep the commandments, weaving into every fiber of her being these sacred truths the Savior has laid down for us. If she will do this, she will rise in the morning of the first resurrection, with her family, loved, ones, and all the Saints of God, to live with thee in the great eternal home among the Gods. May this lot befall her. May this be that which she seeks after, and is desirous of. I make these promises unto her upon her faith and faithfulness, in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, Amen.

Patriarchal Blessings

So glad I'm not alone.

Then again, had I KNOWN I wasn't alone at the time, I might've gotten the fuck out a lot sooner. Then again, I wouldn't have met Eric.

I swear, it's all sorts of fucked up.

For those who may not know what a patriarchal blessing is, in each stake there is one or two generally old men who are "set apart" to be the Patriarch. One of these old dudes gives what is often referred to as a personal scripture to each worthy member of the church after an interview with their bishop who determines worthiness. I think new members have to wait at least a year. So this "blessing" tells you about who you were in the premortal existence, what lineage you can claim re: the 12 tribes of Israel, warnings to watch out for in the present time and what you can expect in the future. If, say, your blessing promises you a marriage to a worthy woman which results in many children and you--gasp--don't get it (also counts for going on a mission), it is rationalized that you will receive such things in the afterlife.

So lately I'm reading a lot of other people's accounts of how their patriarchal blessings began with a fairly long "interview" where the almighty patriarch (he who is endowed--teehee--with the ability of a psychic to know my past, present AND future) before the actual "blessing"

The entire time I'm speaking with this man I'm thinking "wtf, are you serious? this is very weird." I KNEW I was in effect giving this man the answers before the test. This feeling was verified during the actual blessing as I was told all the same shit I just told this guy. Nothing--nothing--was new to me.

I was so pissed for years after this. Just pissed. I was in tears. I wanted to tell somebody, but that's just not an option. It's supposed to be just for you, nobody else. You can give away a few things here and there in the correct setting, but never ever share the entire thing with anyone other than your parents and/or spouse.

I should post it. I should. Maybe another time. Oh wait, I did!

And I understand that this may be nit-picking and rather punctuation-crazy of me (although I understand I'm not perfect at this either), but I couldn't believe the errors once I received my printed copy. Shouldn't something of this importance be, you know, professionally transcribed?

Every time I read it I wanted to cry. It just made me so angry. Once I married Eric I was happy to show him and confess, finally, that I hated it. I hated it more once I read his. He loved mine, though, and I could never figure out why. I loved his. I don't remember why. It just seemed better in a lot of ways.

I felt robbed. Any asshole can ask a few choice questions and them "predict" shit. Also, when all else fails just say this person is of the tribe of Ephraim and make some shit up when that person's other family member is of the tribe of, say, Benjamin (it's supposed to be a blood thing--if you're Jewish you'll be assigned to the Judah--I think. Correction?)

It's fucking ridiculous.

Now that I've posted it, you can see it at My Patriarchal Blessing

The Super-Sekrit Name

So, I know some wavering members of whatever degree do and may read this blog. I also recognize that this is my own motherfucking blog and I no longer subject myself to the church's rules and bullshit--but I have a feeling one or two "IRL" people who are faithful members may read this blog.

Hi, ex-roomie. Are you here, too? I love you.

I don't want to offend her. I'm surprised I haven't yet. She's been so unbelievably good to me.

So here's the Q:

I have a super-sekrit temple name. For a few reasons I think it'd be good and fun to give it a shout out and perhaps have other readers do the same. I don't like feeling as if I'm under the church's authority, and keeping that secret sort of makes me feel that way. After all, it's not as if I'm handing out other peoples' super-sekrit names (like I'd know them--although, if we received our endowments on the same day at the same temple, I'd have a 1 in 3 chance at guessing). I just want to give my own. At my own "god will not be mocked" peril. Which I'm willing to chance.

I mean, Eric told me his. That was awesome, obvs. He can know mine but I can't know his? LAME. And insulting.

So where's the respectability line? Sometimes I give out little clues as to what goes on there, we talk about it, we allude to it. In the end, this is somebody else's faith that is kept very close to the heart. The temple stuff isn't just mine, it's every faithful "worthy" member's sacred shit, so I'm still hesitant. I'm also afraid because of how ridiculous I see it as now and don't want anyone to think "the fuck? really? you believed and did that?" which, I think, might be the big reason why it's a secret. Nobody wants to be mocked. There are a few people I'd be willing to tell, but not many.

But the super-sekrit name is mine.

I pee my pants giggling every time I see someone's online name as "My Temple Name is Deborah." KILLS ME. To be fair, however, it doesn't take much giggling after having three kids, amirite?

Let's be honest. It's not even that exciting. Temple names = biblical/BoM names. I wonder if there's a Moron or a Shiz anywhere. Or if anyone has ever said "Naw, what're the other options here? I can't be Abraham, Jesus, John, Paul? C'mon, really? Alma? That's a girl's name in some countries."

What the hell.

My super-sekrit name is Sarah.

Yours?