Santorum. And other things.

As soon as I can get my ass in gear I plan to post on my ever evolving views on what marriage ought to be. In other words, not what the LSD church teaches you it is. Perfect perfect must be perfect everything must be perfect and god forbid you ever disagree or argue or anything.

You get the fucking idea. I've done so much thinking about it. Eric and I get along and we're best friends in a lot of ways, but there are secrets--at least on my end.

I'm just...finals. I've so much re-reading to do, revising, self-quizzing, bullshit like that. Next Wednesday I'll be free. For the most part.

But for today, do me a favor. Allow me a moment of total immaturity. Today I will be 12-years-old. I was already told this was "old news" but I didn't know. Not until Jon Stewart told me! (I get my news from Jon Stewart)

Google "Santorum" for me. Or, I guess, lemme do it for you.

Not "Rick Santorum"--just "Santorum."

Yes, he's a Republican which makes it all the more giggly.

Doesn't help that his name rhymes with Dick.


Oh! Okay. Real quick. So I went to my daughter's class today to bring her class birthday cupcakes. While they're outside eating them, one particularly chatty and very chill little girl looks at me and says, "You're supposed to be in my church, aren't you? But you don't come."

"Nope," I said.

So fun to have little girls who inadvertently spread teh guilt. I'm not worried about myself, but the kids. Just what they need. "Uhm..." There are so many mormons at this school, in this city--she's been asked this question and variations on it so often this year. Her best friend asks too, especially once our names were read in what-would-be our new ward. "Why don't you come?"

You think she knows? No. Because we're not sure how to say "because it's all bullshit" without passing on the message that her family and friends are ridiculous.

Although one time I did lose it a little bit in a surprising fit of "because church [any church] makes mommy and daddy feel icky and unhappy and bad about ourselves." Which isn't the entire reason, but a big one.

Which leads me to our local Methodist church sign: In order to make God greater, you have to be less.

O_o?

Took me a minute, but rofl

 

h/t The Liberal Life

Mothers Who Know

No shit.

"The spiritual part of us and the emotional part of us are so closely linked that it is possible to mistake an emotional impulse for something spiritual."

--BOYD K. PACKER "The Candle of the Lord" January 1983 Ensign.


Yeah. Of all people.

Come to Institute, meat a chick.

I've bugged a few very kind and patient folks with my commentary regarding the new video I heard of regarding Tommy Monson's plea for young adults to attend institute.

...except for you fine people. And so I ask you to please follow along with me. The first video (that's right, there's two) is entitled "I've got to get to Institute" and is embedded above.

It's an unbelievably campy fun video! Low budget from the folks who bring you $4 billion dollar malls!

This vid begins with the viewer groaning in annoyance as a super-sexy boy sleeps in bed with a really annoying background noise you soon realize is his clock ticking (biological clock, perhaps?). You won't realize this until his alarm goes off and the dude wakes up, looks at it, and says "oh no!" and falls out of bed like he's totes slept in and is late for class.

Hi, stupid LDS actor guy? You didn't sleep in. Your alarm went off. The appropriate response to your alarm going off when you don't wanna wake up is "goddammit" or "gosh darn it." And please reset your alarm for an earlier time if this is an issue.

Anyways, so he smells the jacket on his bed because college guys are gross and wear gross hoodies over their pjs every day, especially when they sleep in 'till 9:40am. They also eat pizza left out on the counter (don't they know that pizza left out that long has tons of bacteria on it?) because OMG THESE ARE FER REALZ COLLEGE STUDENTS, JUST LIKE ME!

Cut to hallway scene where said guy runs into his really nerdy and untalented actor friends who stop him and tell him about their awesome new video games and invite him over to play!

Cue end-of-the-world-satan-wants-you music.

The John Bytheway wannabe then beeps at him to remind him he really ought to be at Institute. CTR, guy!

But our main character wants to have a little fun! Geez!

John Bytheway agrees, there's nothing wrong with a little fun. Yeah, I say. What's wrong with having a little bit of fun?

WAIT A MINUTE. Video games are not fun. Whatever happened to the old '80s video where the hot chicks with big blonde hair wearing shoulder pads give him the ol' eye and invite him to a non-mo party? That's fun.

But Mr. RM doesn't know about this whole "institute thing." Mahana, you ugly, he says.

But he needs Institute! and Institute needs him! It's symbiotic! There's no time for fun--besides, Institute is fun! And if that doesn't work, John Bytheway bribes him with what he calls "a bonus."

A bonus, huh? Well, since you say that...

The bonus comes in the form of a tall, blonde and pretty Utah Girl. They know each others names. Jared and Erica. I can see it inscribed on napkins already, the ones their reception guests can wipe their chins of the jello and carrot mold with.

The teacher then asks Jared if he might say the opening prayer, and he (like a good boy) agrees. The next few minutes are filled with scenes of all the kids learning and discussing things found in the scriptures.

WAIT A MINUTE! Did you all see that? THERE'S YOUR TOKEN BLACK GIRL TALKING! See, the church isn't racist!

Cut back to the main character. "I'm really feeling the spirit now," he says. "That must be that bonus I was promised."

I guess "spirit" is another word for throbbing erection?

And OMG she asked him if he was going to the Institute activity that night. SHE TOTALLY WANTS TO MARRY HIM!

Cue knowing smile that usually means "i'm getting some tonight" but in this instance means "I might get to hold her hand tonight."


And now, the second video:




This little ditty entitled "Institute Changes You" begins with this crazy condescending monologue about how awesome it is to graduate high school and how scary it is because you're now "independent" (i use this word lightly, it is speaking to mormons, after all) and have to make decisions. Where do you find stability? Why, in church! Make sure you keep in touch with other LDS kids because other people are evil and scary and LDS kids are never bad.

Besides, you can totes marry one of these people! And isn't that the most important thing?

Also, you can be yourself here

(or not).

And if the prospect of marriage doesn't grab you by the throat, the promise of free food should. Except for when you have to pay for it--I mean, donate a few bucks. We won't mention this is in addition to the tithing "donation" requisite for full salvation. We just say "free food" because, as the video reminds you, aren't college kids, like, poor?

Oh shit, there's something wrong with that. Never mind that. The serious part of Institute is the "spiritual nourishment" you'll find there. But we'll get to that in a minute.

The real world is super-duper scary. You can't make it without having church all around you, all the time.


I'm totally going to Institute now.

Loud Laughter

I've probably told the first part of this story before on my last blog, but not everyone here read that blog (I think?) and/or doesn't remember it.

So, loud laughter. If you've been to the temple you made that promise to avoid it. I never really knew what this meant--huh? Can't laugh loud? WTF is that all about?

Weird.

But you know, it's hard not to. Especially when you're in Sunday School and your husband is thumbing through the scriptures for some reason and starts to giggle. I nudged him. I'm easily embarrassed.

"Look," he whispered, offering his scriptures to me. Joshua 5:3

And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins.

I BUSTED A GUT.

I don't know why this was so hilarious to us at the time--perhaps the lesson was especially boring that morning, or perhaps it was because Eric and I tend to have our minds in the gutter more often than most (it seems--am I wrong?) Not that our minds were in the gutter, so much, but "hill of the foreskins" just hit our funny bone.

We couldn't shut up. Front row. Everyone's looking at us, and we know it, but "hill of the foreskins" is an immensely funny phrase at the moment and it was going to take us a while to get over our fit.

Granted, not exactly a situation of "loud laughter" but irreverent nonetheless, being that we were in the middle of Gospel Doctrine learning about whatever regurgitated and repetitive nonsense Correlation had decided was doctrine that year.

It was fun. We would turn to that verse often throughout the following years. It wasn't always so funny, but it's a good memory. When we dared tell the story to others (this was in our active days), our recounting was generally met with quizzical but polite smiles and nervous laughter.

Foreskins, ha!

Fast forward about...oh, five years. We believe this took place the last time Eric and I entered a temple. Sacramento, California. I wasn't a big fan of this temple. Small, whatever. And you had to make an appointment. Laaaame. I'm loyal to Oakland. My first temple, where I was married, big and has a cafeteria and clothing rentals. Maybe not as shiny, but gorgeous.

Anyway.

So we took Eric's dad, sister, and BIL with us to the temple to do something or other. Endowment session, I think. We ended up being late, so we called to let them know. Nothing they could do, they said. We had a late appointment.

But wait! You have three priesthood members? Could you pretty plz do some sealing sessions?

We agreed. Once we arrived, we dressed ourselves in the weird getup and somehow ended up in the sealing room with an older man who acted as the sealer. I don't remember much about this day except that Eric broke into a random fit of giggles in the middle of the ordinances.

It was fucking hilarious, y'all. But I didn't think want to let on that I thought so at the time, being concerned about offending his family. Other than his sister being there, his fucking dad was there. He can be rather devout.

Instead of getting chastised, everyone else (except the sealer, and maybe his dad) started laughing too. The sealer didn't know what the hell to do.

People, it was priceless.

That said, on the way home Eric ran a red light at one of those camera intersections and we got BUSTED. I'm sure they think it was some sort of punishment for the irreverent way he acted in the temple. It sucked, for sure. Five hundred dollars hurts.

But the memory of the sealer is still funny. Like Eric said the other day, it could've been funnier if he would've chastised us. Mostly he just looked at us like this O_o and went about his business.


(Slightly off topic) another way to make a temple worker look at you like you've grown two heads: get your new name for your dead person, sit in the chapel, get really REALLY uncomfortable and then go give the name lady your proxy paper and say "I'm not doing this."

I'd like to know how often that happens.

I want this sign

I saw a sign like it at my uni's bookstore as a christmas decoration, and you can bet your ass I almost bought it. Don't know why I didn't. Probably because it was just for Christmas and green and red doesn't exactly go with my intended kitchen color scheme (red, white, black). But stuff like this will.

Now if I could get the addendum for tomorrow we die.

Hmm.

*cough*

From "It Can't Happen to Me," James E. Faust, Liahona July 2002

History is full of examples of men who were gifted and able but who, in a moment of weakness, threw away their promising lives. King David is a tragic example. As a youth he was handsome, brave, and full of faith. He slew the frightening giant, Goliath. He became king. He had everything a man could desire. Yet when he saw Bathsheba, he wanted her even though she was another man’s wife. He had her husband, Uriah the Hittite, sent to the front of the hottest battle so that he would be killed. Uriah died in battle, and David married Bathsheba. As a consequence of this evil deed, David lost his spiritual inheritance. 3 For all the good David accomplished, much of it was negated because he allowed himself to succumb to a serious personal flaw.

Does this sound familiar to ANYONE ELSE?

Best costume idea EVER

Eric didn't think very much of my totally inspired idea--mostly because we were on the hay ride at the pumpkin farm and he doesn't like to talk shop in front of people who might recognize him. When we got back in the car he laughed but also had that "omg lisa, you're gonna piss someone off and i dunno if you really want to" face on. Again.

don't tell me if this idea has been thought of before. i don't want to know.

Okay. So he'd be Joe Smith or Brigham Young then me and, like, thirty other women and girls could dress up all pioneer-like and BE HIS WIVES.

Tell me that wouldn't be amazing. I dare you.

Wah-waaaaaaah

Salt Lake City, UT (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a SALT LAKE County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.



*Disclaimer: I wish I'd written this, but I didn't. Stole from Eric's aunt who also probably did not write it herself. :)

Still, it's good yeah?

Not a deep post, but funny. Haha funny.

So I'm sitting here, eating my salad, getting ready to take my boy to school and I decide out of boredom to look up the profile of a girl with whom I had a bit of a tiff some months ago over me making fun of Glenn Beck.

She took it personally. Even said so.

I know, shock.

So I look her up today because, while we struggle to get along, I don't have all bad feelings for her. She amuses me more these days than not. And, you know, I run into her sometimes. I can't be all mad and whatnot--not worth it.

Anyway, she's a "very conservative" LDS Glenn Beck tea partier. Got that?

Her status the other day:

"Why do schools teach collective obedience rather than individual responsibility?"

I dunno, H. Why does your church teach the same?

A reply?

"For a long time now school has been a system of indoctrination, not education."

/facepalm

They go on to bitch about government. No surprise. While I agree with my limited knowledge that government is fucking up our education system, it's likely not for the same reason this girl thinks.

I just found the irony amusing.

Especially when you consider that "big government" has a striking, striking similarity to how the LDS church is structured.

End LDS rant.

God Truly Cares

I am so humbled this day.

See, I've had a pretty stressful week. It doesn't take much to make me crazy stressful, but this week has done it. And it won't end until Sunday, at which time it'll start all over again because I will have yet another test to study for.

But today I needed a little pick-me-up. Starbucks didn't really come through for me. Too bitter. Old, or something. Not my regular store.

But you know, I strived to do my homework. I really strived. Fervently. And throughout my day, I had Lady Gaga on the brain. Telephone to be exact. Love that song. Especially the stop callin' stop callin' I don't wanna think anymore part. Those lines, they speak to me.

So I drop my boy off at preschool and have an immediate run in with uncharacteristic traffic. Sure I run into stupid cars sometimes, but this time it was time and time again. And red lights. And the promise of many mergings ahead of me. Then a class with a dickhead prof. More trials! I would bear them gratefully. And I would be blessed for not flipping off or yelling at the guy in front of me going five miles an hour /groaaan.

Anyways, I never--repeat never--turn on the radio. This twenty minutes of my day is my only silent time three days a week. I'm not big on the radio. But I turned it on because...

I had an impression.

Yes! It was the stillest, smallest voice. It nudged me. A voice nudged me to try the radio today. In fact, I think it even impressed me to think I wonder if they will play me some Gaga. Maybe even Telephone.

So I turn on the radio. It was on the '90s station (since when did the 90s need their own station?!), but I somehow intuitively knew which channel to pick. Number five. 107.9.

I swear to you, Telephone was the next fucking song they played.

THE NEXT SONG!

So I turn 'er up and sing along, knowing I sound and look like a monkey while doing so. But OMG my prayers! I didn't even know I was saying them and they were answered!

I just had a wish, a little wish, a little hope in the middle of a stressful week and the LORD condescended to my little wish for a song. He cared so much about me (!!) that he was willing to ignore the starving African kids for a moment to bless me with some Gaga.

But then he poured me out some more blessings that I was almost not able to receive them because Lo! The next song came on and it was (drumroll)

Paparazzi.

Shit. You. Not.

I was in heaven, even the Celestial Kingdom.

It was so much better than my "lost my keys" story.

Lady-fuckin'-Gaga.

AND--AND--then the DJ guy was all "that was song number two! one more to go for free tickets to her concert at Arco [Arena] March 23rd!"

Ohmygod.

Suddenly, and for the first time in probably 10 years, I wanted to see a concert. I'd never before considered seeing Miss Gaga in concert. I could get a t-shirt!

Squee!

And one more song!? For realsies? They played two in a row, and I wasn't quite at the college yet, maybe I'd hear number 3?

The next song began and it was one I wasn't familiar with. But that's okay, I thought, I don't know all of her songs. Maybe it was one of them. I kept this hope even through the dude who began the song. Maybe he was a collaborator? She did that, right? Beyonce, whoever that dude was on Poker Face, yanno.

But no. I listened to the whole fucking horrible song and it wasn't Gaga. Then the DJ guy came back and was all "you'll hear the third song sometime after 1 o'clock. Once you do, call in with the names of the three songs and you might win!"

Well, crap. Not that I had any inclination to call in, but I had class after 1 o'clock.

Still. I am blessed, for I heard Gaga on the radio today.

Twice.

I cannot wait for Fast and Testimony Sunday.

The REAL Thirteen Articles of Faith

1. We believe Joseph Smith is the most awesome prophet ever, and we believe in today's prophet (except when he's "speaking as a man"), and in that other guy, Jesus Christ.

2. We believe that men should be judged, punished and forgiven after a minimum of one year.

3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved once they remove their egregious earrings.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Prophet; second, Repentance when you don't exhibit faith in the Prophet; third, Doing everything the Prophet says so you can have the Holy Ghost; fourth, excommunication when you still don't want to do what the Prophet hath said.

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, to lead, teach, or hand out programs at the beginning of Sacrament meeting.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, bureaucracy, patriarchy, and hierarchy.

7. We believe in Church approved prophecy, revelation, visions and healing.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is serves our purposes; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the better word of God, and that the Doctrine and Covenants and the Ensign are the best words of God.

9. We believe all that God has revealed unless the current Prophet says otherwise and we refuse to admit that He will eventually reveal things in accordance with the dictates of society so nobody can call us "racists," "bigots" or "sexist" anymore.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and that, as adoptees, we will be part of the restoration of the Ten Tribes (those of "dark skin" since 1978); that the "New Jerusalem" will be built in Independence, Missouri; that we are to influence government like we think Christ will do one day; and, that we don't have to worry about "global warming" because the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the leaders of the Church, and allow all men the same privilege by offering them free things and/or convincing them we're totes cool, then sending boys to their door to harass them until they agree to baptism.

12. We believe we must be subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, and obey, honor, and sustain the law. We also believe in being kinda sneaky about it.

13. We believe we are honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and do good to all men; indeed, if we do anything that can be construed as virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we post them on our official website and/or various Church-owned news outlets.

Stupid Mormon Words

The church loves to wax poetic with increasingly meaningless and even archaic words and phrases. This is stupid and unnecessary--not to mention causes great annoyance and offers reason to roll eyes and shut the rest of the talks out of your head.

It does a good job of homogenizing the members, and I totally get that every group has its own little vernacular. Still--really?

When you speak, especially when you "bear your testimony" (ugh), words such as the following are often used and IN SUCCESSION. They take away the sincerity of what you are saying.

To quote my English teachers: Use your own words. Please.

Also: List will be added to, so check back often.

Adversary: I swear it's like the people in Harry Potter who were too scared to say "Voldemort."

Say "Satan."

(not three times, tho, because then he'll pop through your mirror and eat you alive.)

Just sayin'

Adversity (see also "trials" "tribulation"): Shit happens. Just say it.

Bosom: Are you serious? I'm not entirely certain what a "bosom" is. And lots of things give me a burning inside my "bosom"--gorgeous, nekkid men for instance. That must mean they're true.

Brethren: I believe this is synonymous with "pious old guys with power issues"

Calling: This word implies something of great importance, such as being called to a lifetime of service and chastity (such as the nuns), not of being the new ward "usher" until the bishop or whoever else decides you're needed elsewhere. You know? (Thanks, MC). Let's just say "responsibility" or "(not so) fun thing I'm doing because I want/have to help"

Every Fiber of my Being (see also: "And please bless that those who could not be here today that they may be able to come next week"): Self-explanatory.

Fervent: Can't y'all just say "I prayed super hard"?

Fornication: A friend of mine taught me that this is incorrect. The correct spelling and pronouncement is FUNication, which obvs changes the entire meaning.

Goodly Parents: What about those kids born of "badly parents"?

Happiness: I know this isn't exclusive to LDSisms, but really. They use this word but I do not think it means what they think it means.

Inappropriate: If you laugh when your best friend's mother dies, you may be acting inappropriate. A teacher in a micro-mini with a top on the verge of a "wardrobe malfunction" is inappropriate. A married man or woman engaging in heavy flirting or having an affair: inappropriate (not to mention disrespectful and immoral, I would add). Blatant sexual harassment on the street or in the workplace: inappropriate.

Some things are inappropriate. Not everything.

General profanity among friends is not. Skanky dress on a night out is not.

And if you find something like that "inappropriate," please don't use the word. At least not as freely as you do. It takes away its power. And it's annoying.

Modest: This word sets us girls back about fifty years (at least). Shorts are not immodest. Neither are tank tops. Cute little dresses are cute, not immodest. Multiple earrings are not going to make an investigator think "well, shit. she has two earrings in one fucking ear. I dunno about this religion."

Then again, nothing turns me on more than a nekkid knee.

Don't even get me started on nekkid shoulders. /pant

Moisture: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SAY RAIN!

Obedience (and its many forms: obey, obedient, et. al.): I'll obey, sure, but only if you give me a doggie treat after.

Ponder: You're not Henry Fucking Thoreau. "Think," "study," "consider," "mull over" and "think really hard" work just as well here.

Preside: Don't you mean "Be in charge of"?

I know, I know. "no, it can also mean 'be responsible for,'" but I'm a grown woman. I don't need my husband to be responsible for me.

Righteous: Only acceptable for use if you're a Ninja Turtle, hail from the '80s and your vocabulary also includes words such as "gnarly" "tubular" and "rad(ical)"

SSA (Same-Sex Attracted): Very PC, General Authorities, Very PC. I know how polarizing (and not to mention *shudder* normalizing) the terms "gay" "bisexual" and "lesbian" can be, so bravo.

Strive(-ing): Doncha mean "trying hard"?

Sweet: My family is not "sweet." Neither is the "Spirit." Dessert, however, is. So is my tooth.

Temporal: TEMP-OR-ARY. Please!

Tender: This word should only be reserved for meat or bruises. Not for use as an adjective for "mercies." Isn't that a little redundant?

I mean, I've never heard of a "bitch of a mercy."

Although, that does sound cool.

True, as in "I know the Church is True": What does that even mean?

(Un)Worthy: Face it, this is a nicer way to say "good/not good enough." Why parse words?


And, to end:

Virtue: So ladylike!


Want more? See also Nails on a Chalkboard: Phrases


Anything you'd like to add?

omg

Just discovered an Islamic Center in one of my favorite cities JUST AN HOUR AWAY and, and a--gasp!--mosque in my own town...3000 short miles away from WTC.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?

Have these people no sensitivities whatsoever? I mean, we totally felt the effects of the 9/11 attack over here, too.

I dunno about you, but I feel stabbed. Stabbed!